Deep down inside I know...

I know I need to file for divorce. It pains me so bad and I just don't want to deal with all that goes into doing it. This is not healthy for me one bit. There is no trust at.all! It makes me sick to know that the man I trusted with my life, I can now can not trust to do anything. It is just so sad. I needed some VERY important paper sent ASAP, has he sent it yet? NO! Its small things like that, that makes it very clear that me and the kids are not his priority. A father should have his priorities in order. He is a good guy, but when it comes to certain things he is not. I am starting to see that clearly everyday. You would think he would be careful with his social networking and know his children are watching from a far but that doesn't seem to matter to him at all. I can have my kids unfollow him on certain things but he is never hidden. To "like" things on Pinterest when the girl is half naked makes me so sad and it shows me he is still that guy I never thought he would be. Social networks will be the death of so many marriages and families. Kudos to the ones that are not on all these networks. Our lives would be so much purer if we didn't allow social media etc to get in the way of leading Godly lives. If that is not your #1 priority then heaven help us all. I don't want to be exposed to basically porn and I sure don't want my kids exposed to it. Porn is such a horrible thing to get involved in. Porn isn't just going to a porn site, its everywhere. Its in your spam email, on Pinterest and sadly on Facebook. Its bad enough you can't watch TV without being exposed to it as well. Our kids are taught from an early age that its okay to wear low cut shirts and extremely short shorts. Girls are taught that if you  are not skinny and sexy then you are nothing and that is horrible. Boy are taught to treat girls with no respect because we don't deserve it. What happen to a girl being treated with the upmost respect? Opening doors and caring for them in a respectful manor. Guys need to be treated with respect as well, I know that. I always tried to respect my husband, submitting to him and taking care of him. See where that got me? But what are we teaching our son? That its okay to cheat on your spouse and look at other ladies with a lustful eye? And what is that teaching my daughter? That she just has to deal with her spouse doing all these horrible things to her and she just stay married in hopes that her husband will see the light and change one day?? NO, I can not stand for this. I have to divorce their dad so I can teach my children whats right. Yes, he will always be their father but at some point they have to know that its not normal to be in a marriage filled with sadness and hurt. They need to see that I am taking a stand for what is right. A marriage should be built on honesty, trust and most of all LOVE. I want my kids to see the way a woman should be treated and how a man should be treated. I hope I have taught them that in the years I was  married to their father, but at some point enough is enough. I know what I have to do, its clear now. Now its just taking those steps and ending it in a way that I can keep my head held high and know I am doing the right thing. One day I hope my husband will see what he is missing out on in life. I pray he knows that he is missing out on seeing his children grow up in a Christian home and that it is very important in their lives. I pray he sees the way his need for cheating etc. isn't normal and right. I can't hold out hope that we will be together again one day in a healthy relationship. The trust is gone completely. I have a long road ahead of me and I have to stay focused on what matters most and its not me being in a relationship that matters, its my children!

All over the place

Thats what I feel my emotions are like all the time,I am just all over the place. One minute I am ready to do this, to divorce him and move on, then the next minute I want to keep fighting for my marriage. I feel like I should just get shock treatment or something! I feel that crazy. I know its normal to have all these emotions but my word, why can't just one emotion stick and I be done with all the others? Before going to the Lawyer today I was at 90% sure this is what was best for me and the kids. After the Lawyers office I am at 60%, you would think that I would be closer to 100% after talking about what I am in titled to etc. I am not out to get him for all his money and pay for his sins. I am just not wired like that. To be honest I just want my life back, but not back the way it was I want it better. I want to work and share the chores at home and the cooking. I want to be married but I also want my husband be the the Spiritual leader of our family and want to be in the family 100%. I know that I can have that but he has to want it as well. That was a key sentence....he has to want it as well. I feel so crazy. One minute I want to be done the next I don't want to be done, geez what is wrong with me?!? I talk to him for hours, we email, message on FB and we get a long great, why are we going through this is what I keep asking myself.

I know most of you  (if any one reads this) is thinking wow this chick is nuts! Yes, yes I am. How can a person still love somebody that doesn't love her and can't be faithful to her? I ask that all the time, trust me! I have such a strong pull towards him. When I pray for him and about him I feel even stronger towards him. Its weird I know. Tomorrow I may feel completely different...its how I roll!

So please keep praying for me and my family. Pray he can find his way back to the Lord and lives a healthy spiritual life filed with happiness brought by loving his family and doing whats right.

I am so emotionally drain today, I am writing to get all these emotions out so I can function the rest of the day...again..its how I roll :)

Time to say goodbye...

and Hello to my future. My heart has been broken long enough and I have ahead enough tears. Its time to move forward and not stay in an unhealthily life that I was living. Yesterday was my awaking on a lot of things. I asked him if he wanted to me keep fighting and holding out hope, he said I would be shadow boxing if I did. That answer and other hurtful things he said was my sign to wave the white flag and be done. I have been praying all along for a sign that he is really done and it was shown yesterday, I just has to accept it. The sad part in all this was when I told the kids, it was like they didn't even care or were just relived that I was finally calling it quits. I think they saw how hard I was working to keep this marriage alive, when in reality its been dead for so many years. He is just an amazing actor and I give him kudos...not really, but you know :) I am done being played a fool. I don't think God would want me to stay in a marriage filled with adultery and selfishness. I did nothing but show him love a grace but now I am done! I am done for good. I owe it to myself to get healthy and prove to myself I can stand on my own two feet and I don't need a man to prove anything. Now I do hope that the good Lord will bless me and the kids with a Godly man one day that can be a Spiritual leader of our home but right now that is not my priority in life. My priority is my children and raising them to be the best they can be and be the children God meant them to be. Getting a divorce is something that I have always felt was the most humiliating and selfish thing to do, to the family and to yourself but sometimes its the only thing you can do when the other person is not willing to love and give himself to you only. When you marry you become one, til death do you part but in this case it has to be until Helen has had enough of living with a man that doesn't love her and thinks he needs to party and live his life the way he wants to and not the way he was raised to. I can not have my children watching that. I do pray every night for him as I am sure many other people do as well, but someone had to want the life he was meant to have and he is not to that point, I guess. I still love him but that love is fading fast and being replaced with sadness and hurt that I will have to heal from to be able to move forward. I have come to realize he was just feeding me with bull, just to appease me until I left Belgium. I again was a fool, but NO MORE! I have to love him enough to walk away for good. As I am walking away I will always have the memories of the times that were good, and I have two wonderful children. Those kids keep my heart beating. I am not sure if he reads this or not. This blog isn't for him, its for me to release the pain and heart ache and maybe one day help someone else going through what I am going through. Divorce, I think is worse than death, but if all the other people in the world can heal and move on so can I!

the do's and dont's

The whole separation or whatever this is that we are doing is so confusing! I swear!! Just trying to figure out a happy medium for everything is so hard. Someone needs to write a book on how to go through this type of thing. I would have so many questions. One of my main questions is Do I still wear my wedding ring? I have taken it off on the days I just feel like a fake wearing it, then I find it back on my finger when I still feel very connected to him. He made a comment one time about how he can't take his off since its a tattoo, and it just broke my heart. You see on our anniversary he got a wedding ring tattoo so he could NEVER take it off. It was put there as a reminder for when he was TDY etc. that he is married....apparently whores, I mean sluts, no...ummm stupid girls that don't care about their own marriage, really don't care if a ring in on the finger or not. I still feel married. I still want to be married. I still want to be married to my husband but in order for that to happen things will have to be VERY different. I digress, sorry! So back to the questions, does the married couple stay very close while separated? I know that in my relationship with him, we still talk for hours and talk often and it almost feels like he is just deployed and not home right now the only thing different is we don't say" I love you" at the end of the phone call or email.  For him, it may feel like something completely different. He is not one to talk about feelings etc. What guy really is?? I am not sure if he is the type of guy that could just call anyone and talk for hours....I don't think I want to know either.

But really how do people just separate when they have been together for long? I know my friends think I am insane for always talking to him, seeing him on FB etc. I am a very forgiving person and I know at some point I have to say yes I forgive him but I have also let him go, for good. I am just not sure I want to let go of him. I think he would love for me to let go as well but there is a strong pull for me to fight and until I feel its time to drop my head and walk away, I will keep fighting. I am so bi-polar in these blogs I know :) One blog, I am done fighting  a losing battle then next time I am rested and ready to fight again. Crazy..I know! I start counseling soon, don't worry!

So if you have answers to: when do you take off the ring? How much communication you should have with each other? or any advice on this let me know! and I don't want to hear you will know when its time...NO. I. WONT!

Just a little peace and rant

For the last day or so I have felt at peace with my situation. I feel your prayers and thoughts working and it feels good. When your life is in limbo and you don't know whats going to happen it can keep a person on edge. I will admit I do take a Xanax every now and then just to keep the tears from flowing at a rapid pace but I haven't taken it since Wednesday. It must be prayer that has helped me get through each day without losing my mind or worse. My sister has kept me busy and that helps as well. There is hardly a dull moment around here with 4 kids 3 houses and the up keep of this property. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be living out in the country and even considering building a house out here. I am starting to make plans for my future and in a way it is deeply sad that my husband isn't in those plans. I have always put him first and he was always in my thoughts 95% of the day but each day it gets less and less. I am not sure if thats good or bad. I guess in time we will see. I want nothing more than to be happy and my kids to be happy. The only person that can make that happen is me I guess. Sometimes I wonder if my husband ever did make me happy or if I was too caught up in "love" or the thought of being in love and having babies etc. At 18 I just wanted a family and to be that cute couple with it all. I sure hope my daughter doesn't get caught up in the idea of all that. When I saw my husband I knew he was "the one" now I am not so sure or maybe I am sure but keep telling myself he is not to lessen the pain of all this. What I am 100% sure of is what I want in a husband/father of my children and he is not it right now. I want someone to fight for me and want to be the best person he can be for God and his family. I want a man that doesn't have to have a electronic device in front of him  most of the time and would want to go for walks, play with the kids and just spend time with us. I need someone that I don't have to say "Hey the grass needs cutting" and he will just see that it needs done and take the annotative himself. I know, a girl can dream right?!?

Last night some guy messaged me on Facebook. Just saying hey babe and he wanted to get to know me better. The sad part out of all that is he is Military, well his picture was a military guy so I am just assuming he is military. Now I am very bitter toward military men. It seems when military men go TDY or deploy there main goal is to see how much "fun" they can have and not get caught. If you can call cheating on your spouse fun, that is. I know for a fact that girls do it too but it just makes me sick that people that are fighting for our country can't even fight to keep their marriage or relationship healthy and good. How sad it that? Now just to be clear I am not saying all Military people do what I am talking about. There are actually good people in the military, it just sucks for them because the other 99% give the 1% a bad name. What other job, other than being a bar tender can you drink beer at work? What kind of example are we setting for our future? Drinking is considered a bonding tool from what I can tell in the military. I am not saying drinking is bad, by any means please don't get me wrong, but when you are drinking at work a few beers here and there then driving home, what are we telling our nation, our kids or those teenagers that are thinking about signing up? That its okay to drive with intoxicated? OR oh a few beers won't hurt?
 Men and Woman if you are lonely while TDY, deployed etc. why not talk to your family, friends or God. Maybe hit the gym or read a book. Keep yourself busy so you are not tempted to cheat on your spouse or tempting a struggling spouse. As you can see I am bitter towards the Military pretty bad right now. This is just a build up of things and I am sorry if I offended anyone but this is my personal belief right now and rant :) Please don't hate me.

how do you know....

what to do? That is the question I keep asking myself. I am back in Alabama and now I am ready to make changes. Change is something I love but this time, this change is something I don't like at all. My marriage is obliovously done. When two people in a marriage are not living together and one doesn't love the other it kinda puts a damper on things. You can't stay married to someone that A. can't be faithful and B. doesn't love you and C. there is NO trust. It is just not healthy for me to stay married. I don't like the idea of staying married for a business purpose only. Yes, I need health insurance, car insurance and money but is it worth it in the long run? Many people I know are getting divorced and they survive why can't I? Yes I gave him 16 years of my life being a stay at home mom and supporting his every need. Now its my time to do what I need to do to survive and raise 2 wonderful children. Also I need to be able to heal and move on from this.Divorce is an extremely hard thing to do. It sucks but I can't keep telling myself he is going to come out of this, whatever "this" is. I can't wait for that and have hope for my future with him. I love his family and I won't be divorcing them and don't get me wrong there is a part of me that still loves him too. Love is very hard right now. I love the man I meet 16 years ago, the man I thought was going to be a Spiritual Leader of my family. I needed a husband that could be faithful, love being with his family and someone that would put his family before himself. I thought thats who I was marrying...jokes on me I guess. My son is an awesome kid and I pray he can learn from what we are going through and carry that on to when he becomes a man and starts a family. I pray my daughter can see what kind of man she needs in her life and not have to go through the hell, sadness and pain that I am dealing with. Life right now is not a happy one. I know its up to me to make it happy and not need a man to make me happy and feel good about myself. Its easy to type but hard to do. I now I really need to just focus on the kids and myself. I need to not let my dream/nightmares at night dectate the way my day goes. Let me explain that statement. Every single time my husband cheated I would have moments in the day where my heart would feel like it stopped and I would think he is cheating on me or something would tell me to check his computer. Now this last time he cheated and he was gone TDY, I would have nightmares about me seeing him with another girl. I would brush it off after he assured me he wasn't doing anything. I felt bad even asking him and I felt guilty for not trusting him because we had just gone through that a 2 years ago and we did everything to have a good marriage, so I thought. We would pray together every night and talked a lot, well he talked, I listened. It was always about him but I figured if I served him in every way possible and ,are sure he was happy things would be great. Someone told me I was too perfect as a wife....I don't agree with that but maybe I spoiled him so much that he just thought he could "have his cake and eat it too". Well I am done. I am done with spoiling a man. Its my turn. Its my turn to enjoy life and not have to feel not good enough. When a man looks at porn or is always looking at other girls it makes you feel like crap about yourself. I know it did for me. I never felt pretty enough, skinny enough and just enough for him. In my head if he was looking at them then I wasn't even worth looking at. The worst part about all this is when I did lose the weight and finally feel sexy enough is when I would find he was cheating. That can really screw a girl up. So now I am going to lose weight and feel sexy for myself, not some selfish jerk that only cares about his self and needs. Please pray I can make the right decisions for my family and myself. At some point I have to get out of this depression and stop needing him. I do hope he hits rock bottom and can come out of whatever he is going through. I sure hope he doesn't taint anymore people and can find himself and be a good person when all is said and done. Right now all I can do is raise his/our kids the best I know how and learn to not hate him for what he has done. I care deeply for him and I use to consider him one of my best friends but then today I thought well heck a best friend would never do what he has done. Lie, cheat and basically steal my heart. A husband surely wouldn't do that either. He has made me a fool for so many years and its time to stop letting him treat me like that!

I am so torn

What am I doing? That is a question I ask myself almost hourly right now. How can I let one person in my life be the deciding factor on if I am happy or not? That one person who has cheated on me numerous times, made me feel about as low as you can get but I still let him determine my happiness. Is it love or is it something else? I can write about this stuff because he doesn't read my blog. For starters if I was on the other end of this marriage and I was the one forcing my family to leave so I could "work" on myself, I would want to know what the heck was going on in their heart during all this. I am sure it's the difference between a man and a woman. For so long and still now I keep blaming myself for everything that keeps happening in my marriage. I keep saying if I had only lost the weight and kept it off he wouldn't have wanted to cheat on me, or if I had only gone to college he wouldn't have ever said I am not "intellectually stimulating" enough for him. If only seems to be the title of my life right now. I am trying so hard not to blame myself but its very hard. I know he is to blame too for being so selfish and letting this happen to his family, but did I help him be this way? I struggle with that daily.

Now if only my new therapist who ever that may be, could just read my blogs to see how crazy I am it would save me from having to re-tell this hell all over again!

So this is what I am dealing with today: Yes, I know I am nuts :)

1. I about to move 4,000 from my so called husband that cant even claim me as his wife. (how shitty is that?!?)

2. I get to move away not knowing what will happen to my marriage or be there to help decide whats going to happen.

3. I get to sit and wait for him to work on himself for only God knows how long, while I try to work on myself but I still don't know where my future will be or what I am working towards or for.

So (A.) Do I get a job and start working only on my life and not try to have hope that my marriage will actually work in the long run OR (B.) Do I work on myself, get healthy mentally and physically, get odds and end type jobs and save money until I know whether or not he wants to stay married to me? You know I want answer B, of course because I am a hopeless romantic that ache for someone to love me just as much or more than I love him. I would do anything for a husband that would want to bring home flowers to surprise me, ask me out on dates, want to just cuddle while watching a movie....You know those type of love story things. I am not asking for it everyday but just something to know he appreciates me and loves me without having to say those three little words. Maybe one day my husband will read this and get a clue...

Can you see now why all I want to do is sleep? My mind goes to a happy place 65% of the time when I am asleep. Its better than being awake and only being able to think about this life I have right now. Lord please help me!

I am sorry these blogs get more depressing as time goes on. Time is getting closer from me moving away from a place I love and a man I love and have loved all my life even when I didn't know him. A man I prayed for even when I was a little girl. A man that when he walked into that church building one Saturday afternoon, I knew right then he would be my husband. and this is how all that happiness and excitement ended up....I pray one day I can write a different, happy blog about how it all turned around.