Things Change Mox....

the saying from one of my favorite movies, Varsity Blues. In this case things are changing in our life and I am still figuring out if its for the best or worst. Finding out your husband is cheating on you is about the most gut wrenching thing that can happen to woman other than their child falling ill or worse, has died. That moment when you think life is good and you are making changes in your life to make it even better and then BAM you get hit with something you never thought you would ever hear...Yes, I cheated on you and I want a divorce or I am not in love with you anymore. Life is changing and its changing fast. We just moved 4000 miles away from our family, just unpacked all the boxes and I just started loving Europe, we were making friends and things seemed to be on the up.....so I thought. Now the children and I have to pack back up and move back to Alabama and start over.  Divorcing after 16 years of marriage is extremely hard on top of splitting everything up and trying to keep the peace for the children's sake. But is it for the children's sake? Its very complicated. We get along great. We laugh, joke around and still share common interest. How could someone still do all this and be getting divorced? Selfishness is the answer. Selfishness is a deadly thing to your mind and soul. Its something I was taught to never be but I guess he wasn't. After the other times I found out he was cheating, we worked it out. We went to counseling, started praying together and reading marriage books to help us through the rough patches.I told him Jesus forgives us daily so who am I to not forgive and move past this. I wonder now if he even read those books or even whole heartily tried to become the man he was called to be. Without God your life is empty and dark. Why would somebody want that kind of life? The devil is in control and he has a tight grip on things. With God you know you will one day end up living in a mansion, singing with Angels and living with our Lord Savior for eternity. Yes, the devil makes everything look so much better. He makes "her" seem 100% better than what you have already. That's just it though, he makes it seem more desirable and better....just like Eve in the Garden of Eden. Why cant men/women that cheat realize when they are doing this it is hurting so many more people and not worth the pain and agony it brings on the family. Again selfishness comes into play. So what I am doing about it? I am praying daily for him and using this hell I am living to turn my life around. When you live with someone that doesn't give you respect you deserve and make you feel so ugly inside and out it really damages you. I am using this moment in my life to get healthy. I have started running and working out. I have lost 30 pounds since January. The sad thing is he never noticed until I asked him about it. I don't plan on stopping at 30 pounds lost. I plan on going all the way to 100 pounds lost. I have 70 more to go. I am looking at life differently. My goal is to think positive about every situation, starting with my husbands affair. If he hadn't of slipped again I would still be in the dump of life just going through the motions caring for him and the kids but never taking the time for myself. Not saying what he did was right or that he is excused from this, I am saying everything happens for a reason. God doesn't give us something we cant handle.I truly believe and I am so much stronger now.Through prayer and having support from my family and friends I will overcome this. The sad part is it took this happening for me to open my eyes and see where I was headed. I had thought about suicide a lot but I couldn't do that to my kids and family. Maybe God decided this was the best thing for me to go through. It sucks, it sucks bad. I loved my husband and still do and I would have moved the world to make him happy, when all a long he would not have done the same for me, and I am still asking myself why I love him, trust me. I married for better or worse, he did not. My marriage could be fixed but when its a one way street it cant happen. I pray each day he will find what he is missing and will one day open his eyes to what he is leaving behind.  Our children are the real ones suffering here. Not having both parents there to support them at everything they do and to make memories as a family really just sucks for them. That is extremely sad to me. All because one person was so selfish and couldn't get over himself. I also pray my children learn from the mistakes made and will one day find a love worth working for everyday. I was willing to do that....