I will take those moments

For last couple days I have been able to talk to him without fighting. It has felt so good just to have my friend back and not my enemy. I got to thinking and of course I didn't bring this up to him but he has been away from a certain guy friend of his for a solid week. Ever since then his attitude is so different. He has opened up to me more and been the guy I use to know. I am not sure why the change but I will take it, even if its last a short time. The sad part is when we are getting along so well I keep asking myself why are we going through this hell? Why can't he be this guy and not the other person that is so harsh and mean towards me. Maybe one day he will notice the change within himself and get that the people he hangs out with is not the best. I pray for him everyday and even when we are divorced I will keep praying for him. I know we will not ever be married again but thats fine as long as his life is right with God. I love him that much to walk away but pray for his soul. I am not judging him I just want him to be the person God meant for him to be.

So our stuff finally came and I am pretty much settled. Those were the lowest days for me. When I opened a box and found a jacket of his and some other things I just fell to the floor crying. It was like he had died or something. Then came the box with our wedding pictures and a picture frame that he gave me two year ago for our anniversary. Under our picture kissing it talks about "our love story". You can imagine the emotions that poured out of my heart. Everyday is a struggle still for me. I know one day it will get better but lately its been worse. I keep having this feeling about the divorce that I can't shake but I know I have to go through with it because thats what he wants. It sucks but I have to do it. Right now I am waiting on the lawyer. Everyday that passes by and the lawyer hasn't called I think maybe God is giving him time to rethink it but then I have to come to reality and stop holding out false hope for something that will never be.

One day this blog will be about a happy Helen and my new life but right now I am still dealing with it all. It feels like everything just happened yesterday even though its been 6 months.

Wondering...

How can one person bring out so many emotions? One minute I can feel hatred, sorrow and then love, all in just a matter of seconds. Why? Why can't there just be a way to say, okay you don't love me, thats fine I am done and walk away. I guess that would make for a perfect world and this world is far from perfect. I try to show grace and love even though its not something I get back in return, but in my heart I know its the right thing.

I know I can over react sometimes, I mean I am a RED HEAD, but when it comes to my kids there is no holding back. I will fight kicking and screaming until the day I die when it comes to my kids and protecting what little innocence they have left. It is truly sad that Pinterest of all places has nudity and is just out there for every kids to see without having to go to a porn site. Am I being to harsh by saying to him either you delete your account or I delete the kids account? I don't want to always be the bad guy in all of this, it sucks actually that I have to be the one to put my foot down and protect my kids eyes from their fathers actions really.

He can be a great guy, I've seen it, I promise! It's choices he has made that the rest of us have to live with, and hopefully learn from. When you think about it, that is really messed up. One day I will understand why this is all happening and as I sit here so many Bible verses are coming to mind and when that happens I can smile and know God is with us not matter how bad the storm is right now. Philippians 4:13 pops in my head often these days and then verse about God having a plan for you. I have to hold those verses that pop into my head close to my heart. I keep wondering if he puts those verses in my heart to shield it....makes you want to go hmmmm :)

I am just not a very patient person. If you know me I am a planner and like to know whats going to happen before it happens. So you can only imagine how I am dealing with all this. I also know if I keep stressing and handling it my own way then God is going to think I don't have faith in him. I am working on it, trust me! I don't want God to give up on me so why would I give up on him? Maybe thats why I can't bring myself to give up on JR. That was just another AH HAAA moment right there, sorry! But wow its amazing what all goes through my head and this blog is just a small portion!

Savor

Yesterday that was the word of the day....Savor, what do it really mean to savor? Sara has taught us to Savor every moment of everyday because it could be your last. It is so hard to do that sometime. For me its hard to do hardly at all right now, because to be honest I don't want to savor anything that I am going through. There are moments that I do savor with the kids of course. I hate that their dad can't do the same. It makes me sick to even think about it. Being at Sara funeral yesterday made me see what true love is. Her husband and kids didn't seem sad at all in a way, they had smiles on their faces and I could see that he was just so glad it was finally over and Sara's pain was gone. You could see in the pictures he loved her very much and I pray one day I can have that kind of love in my life. I pray Ali will have that kind of example of a father and how a husband should truly love his wife. Yesterday, I wasn't sad for Sara she is in the best place a person could ever imagine. I was sad for us here on earth. Sara touched so many people and her example will live on. I pray I can learn to Savor everyday truly and move pass this hell I am living in. I pray JR will hit rock bottom and walk away from the life he is living and comes back to Christ and lives the way he knows is right. One day I hope I can share with him how to Savor every day and live for Christ. I just hope it won't be too late.

Its time NOW!

Today I called the lawyer and I am filling for Divorce this week. I just couldn't stand waiting until December. How awful for the kids to have that memory of their parents ending their marriage around Christmas. After seeing pictures of him AGAIN at the bar, I knew it was time to end this hell I am living in and just be done. I know we have been so wishy washy on when we are doing this and today I was just completely over what he does every weekend and me being married to that. Out of respect for myself I have to get out of the marriage before it breaks me any further. I wanted nothing more than to work this out and move forward and forget the past but there has to be two people that wants that, he clearly doesn't. I just keep praying the Lord sends me a good man one day and that I am going through this storm I call life for a reason. When I told the kids I was going through with it this week they both seemed happy that it wont be done at Christmas. In my sons words from the other day when we were having a heart to heart he said it sucks but he can't change it and won't lose sleep over it. I sure wish I had his way of thinking! At some point I know things will get better. My relationship with the kids is very strong and we talk so much now. I am just sad their dad will never get this time back. That's his fault not mine and this divorce is his fault so he will have to deal with that guilt one day, if ever. I have told their dad over and over that he is missing so much in their lives and him not skyping with them will one day be a regret. When they see pictures of him and they are all at a bar that sends a message to them that I don't want but again that's on him. I can only shield my kids so much. I just have to set the example and raise them the best way I know how and move on with life. I pray that this will not effect my kids in a negative way but that they learn from this and take all they have learned into their own relationship and know that marriage is for better or worse. I truly believe that if you put God first in your marriage it will stay strong, moving to Europe and being away from church was a major down fall. I hope they learn from that too. It sucks but life goes on eventually.

A few thoughts

So Sunday when the preacher was doing his "thang", he was telling a story about when his kids were younger they would run up to him when he got home from working yelling DADDY! and giving him a hug. While he was talking it dawned on me that my children not once did that to their dad. How sad is that? Whats even sadder is that I was talking to my son about the sermon and he said he had the same thoughts on Sunday. I asked him why he thinks they didn't get excited about their dad coming come and he said because he was so big.I know it was his selfishness that got in the way of being a "Daddy" to the kids but we will just let him, being big be the reason in my sons eyes. Why do we let things scare us just because they are big? Do we let God scare us and do we not get excited about him because he is so big? I guess it something for us to think about it. Parents don't understand that maybe they need to show excitement when they see their kids so that they get excited too. It sucks that my husband missed out on so many things in the kids life because of selfishness. Even now he is missing out on so much because of the same reason. Growing up I was always excited about my dad coming home. I knew that once he got home he wanted to rest but he would always put his girls first and I thank him for showing us that. I pray my kids can learn from what we are going through and use it in a positive way and not let a divorce give them excuse to make poor choices in life.

I am getting use to being a single parent but I would never choose this for anyone. Its hard being the one that does it all, been I think, I have been doing it for 16 years why is it so hard now, other than I can't vent to him and he have  a "talk" with the kids. I have good kids and I am very thankful for that everyday, but sometimes I just need a father figure to step up and give them a little push in the right direction. I pray the Lord sends me someone that will step up and be that father the kids need and the Spiritual Leader of the family. Now, the kids father will always be their father, don't get me wrong but when he lives 4,000 miles away and only calls once a week its hard on the kids, and me! So it would be nice to have a good guy step in when needed. I do hope that when that day comes he will work with us and not take the place of the kids dad but be a supplement :)

Please keep praying for my little family as we go through this time on our lives. Pray for strength for me to be able to handle it all without losing my mind, and learn to forgive JR, since I recently learned through counseling that I really haven't forgiven him.

 I may be starting a job soon working 5 days a week and I hope I can manage that and the house, kids etc. I know I can do with prayers! Thank you all for that!! I think that about sums up all that is going on right now in my head and life!

sigh...

Thats all I can do today is sigh. I am so angry and I am sick of being angry. I am sick of being sad and I am sick of always thinking about him. Today he forgot to call his kids. I have been angry about that all day. He.forgot.! Really?? How can you forget about your children? I know I shouldn't let it bother me so bad but, I am the one that has to deal with the kids emotions and deal with the sadness. He has no idea what he is missing out on. But like a friend said today to me, its his problem and he is just digging himself deeper and away from the kids. I just hate watching it happen.

So I talked to a another Lawyer Friday and he says its better to wait until Christmas when "he" comes home for Christmas, to sign papers and do the divorce...my kids said Merry Christmas to us :( that just broke my heart. So I am torn if we just go through with it and pay to extra it will take to do the divorce while he is overseas and just let him go through the pain in the butt, why should I care? He didn't care when he was destroying  our marriage so why should I care if he has to drive extra and get this over with now rather than later. While he is overseas doing what he wants to do because frankly he has already cheated most of our marriage whats stopping him now, I get to be the "good" wife and stay faithful to an unfaithful person until the divorce is final. How screwed up is that! I have to put my life on hold until December then he comes here and the emotions get all screwed up again URGH! I am over it!! Why can't God just tell me whats best and make this less hurtful for me. It seems I am the only one hurting, while he shows no emotion towards any of us.

Sorry this blog is so blah, I am just so angry and in such a bad place right now emotionally, I had to get all this out before I exploded. Of course I tried to text him about it but he was too busy doing something else.

Sadness

Sadness has overcome me tonight. It started this late afternoon when I got into my car that just arrived from overseas. The smell of my car sent sadness shooting through my body. Yes, I was excited to get my car but it was the memories that just washed over me and flooded my body with tears. That car was such a happy thing so I thought at the time when he bought it for me. Little did I know two  months after I got it he would end our marriage. The smell was a reminder of living in Europe and getting to travel as a family to places we would never be able to go without the Military sending us over there. The car reminded me of days picking up my friends to go porch sit while eating at our favorite soup place or sandwich shop then going to antique stores or thrift store shopping. Today when all those emotions flooded me it also reminded me that our family of 4 is longer that but 3. Then it also reminded me that we are not a military family anymore, and that makes me so deeply sad. Today is just a sad day for me in general. We are not friends on FB anymore and in the long run I know it will be good that I don't see what he post and I don't see all his new so called "friends" that he adds daily. I just feel its one less thing to make me sad about. I have already unfollowed him on Pinterest. The amount of crap he was "liking" made my stomach turn and feel sorry for our children that they have to know what kind of person their dad really is. Not only do they know but he puts it out there for all to see, how sad for them. I can only guard them so much....I just keep praying one day he will get a clue and wise up to the fact that is he hurting his children doing all that and setting the example of a father that doesn't care about woman. The hurt he has already caused is enough damage for a life time. Time will heal and I just have to keep the faith that one day the Lord will send me somebody that will love me and my kids more than himself. Just today, I am sad and its part of the process of healing and moving on. I am trying not to have ill will towards him but he doesn't make it easy most days.

Deep down inside I know...

I know I need to file for divorce. It pains me so bad and I just don't want to deal with all that goes into doing it. This is not healthy for me one bit. There is no trust at.all! It makes me sick to know that the man I trusted with my life, I can now can not trust to do anything. It is just so sad. I needed some VERY important paper sent ASAP, has he sent it yet? NO! Its small things like that, that makes it very clear that me and the kids are not his priority. A father should have his priorities in order. He is a good guy, but when it comes to certain things he is not. I am starting to see that clearly everyday. You would think he would be careful with his social networking and know his children are watching from a far but that doesn't seem to matter to him at all. I can have my kids unfollow him on certain things but he is never hidden. To "like" things on Pinterest when the girl is half naked makes me so sad and it shows me he is still that guy I never thought he would be. Social networks will be the death of so many marriages and families. Kudos to the ones that are not on all these networks. Our lives would be so much purer if we didn't allow social media etc to get in the way of leading Godly lives. If that is not your #1 priority then heaven help us all. I don't want to be exposed to basically porn and I sure don't want my kids exposed to it. Porn is such a horrible thing to get involved in. Porn isn't just going to a porn site, its everywhere. Its in your spam email, on Pinterest and sadly on Facebook. Its bad enough you can't watch TV without being exposed to it as well. Our kids are taught from an early age that its okay to wear low cut shirts and extremely short shorts. Girls are taught that if you  are not skinny and sexy then you are nothing and that is horrible. Boy are taught to treat girls with no respect because we don't deserve it. What happen to a girl being treated with the upmost respect? Opening doors and caring for them in a respectful manor. Guys need to be treated with respect as well, I know that. I always tried to respect my husband, submitting to him and taking care of him. See where that got me? But what are we teaching our son? That its okay to cheat on your spouse and look at other ladies with a lustful eye? And what is that teaching my daughter? That she just has to deal with her spouse doing all these horrible things to her and she just stay married in hopes that her husband will see the light and change one day?? NO, I can not stand for this. I have to divorce their dad so I can teach my children whats right. Yes, he will always be their father but at some point they have to know that its not normal to be in a marriage filled with sadness and hurt. They need to see that I am taking a stand for what is right. A marriage should be built on honesty, trust and most of all LOVE. I want my kids to see the way a woman should be treated and how a man should be treated. I hope I have taught them that in the years I was  married to their father, but at some point enough is enough. I know what I have to do, its clear now. Now its just taking those steps and ending it in a way that I can keep my head held high and know I am doing the right thing. One day I hope my husband will see what he is missing out on in life. I pray he knows that he is missing out on seeing his children grow up in a Christian home and that it is very important in their lives. I pray he sees the way his need for cheating etc. isn't normal and right. I can't hold out hope that we will be together again one day in a healthy relationship. The trust is gone completely. I have a long road ahead of me and I have to stay focused on what matters most and its not me being in a relationship that matters, its my children!

All over the place

Thats what I feel my emotions are like all the time,I am just all over the place. One minute I am ready to do this, to divorce him and move on, then the next minute I want to keep fighting for my marriage. I feel like I should just get shock treatment or something! I feel that crazy. I know its normal to have all these emotions but my word, why can't just one emotion stick and I be done with all the others? Before going to the Lawyer today I was at 90% sure this is what was best for me and the kids. After the Lawyers office I am at 60%, you would think that I would be closer to 100% after talking about what I am in titled to etc. I am not out to get him for all his money and pay for his sins. I am just not wired like that. To be honest I just want my life back, but not back the way it was I want it better. I want to work and share the chores at home and the cooking. I want to be married but I also want my husband be the the Spiritual leader of our family and want to be in the family 100%. I know that I can have that but he has to want it as well. That was a key sentence....he has to want it as well. I feel so crazy. One minute I want to be done the next I don't want to be done, geez what is wrong with me?!? I talk to him for hours, we email, message on FB and we get a long great, why are we going through this is what I keep asking myself.

I know most of you  (if any one reads this) is thinking wow this chick is nuts! Yes, yes I am. How can a person still love somebody that doesn't love her and can't be faithful to her? I ask that all the time, trust me! I have such a strong pull towards him. When I pray for him and about him I feel even stronger towards him. Its weird I know. Tomorrow I may feel completely different...its how I roll!

So please keep praying for me and my family. Pray he can find his way back to the Lord and lives a healthy spiritual life filed with happiness brought by loving his family and doing whats right.

I am so emotionally drain today, I am writing to get all these emotions out so I can function the rest of the day...again..its how I roll :)

Time to say goodbye...

and Hello to my future. My heart has been broken long enough and I have ahead enough tears. Its time to move forward and not stay in an unhealthily life that I was living. Yesterday was my awaking on a lot of things. I asked him if he wanted to me keep fighting and holding out hope, he said I would be shadow boxing if I did. That answer and other hurtful things he said was my sign to wave the white flag and be done. I have been praying all along for a sign that he is really done and it was shown yesterday, I just has to accept it. The sad part in all this was when I told the kids, it was like they didn't even care or were just relived that I was finally calling it quits. I think they saw how hard I was working to keep this marriage alive, when in reality its been dead for so many years. He is just an amazing actor and I give him kudos...not really, but you know :) I am done being played a fool. I don't think God would want me to stay in a marriage filled with adultery and selfishness. I did nothing but show him love a grace but now I am done! I am done for good. I owe it to myself to get healthy and prove to myself I can stand on my own two feet and I don't need a man to prove anything. Now I do hope that the good Lord will bless me and the kids with a Godly man one day that can be a Spiritual leader of our home but right now that is not my priority in life. My priority is my children and raising them to be the best they can be and be the children God meant them to be. Getting a divorce is something that I have always felt was the most humiliating and selfish thing to do, to the family and to yourself but sometimes its the only thing you can do when the other person is not willing to love and give himself to you only. When you marry you become one, til death do you part but in this case it has to be until Helen has had enough of living with a man that doesn't love her and thinks he needs to party and live his life the way he wants to and not the way he was raised to. I can not have my children watching that. I do pray every night for him as I am sure many other people do as well, but someone had to want the life he was meant to have and he is not to that point, I guess. I still love him but that love is fading fast and being replaced with sadness and hurt that I will have to heal from to be able to move forward. I have come to realize he was just feeding me with bull, just to appease me until I left Belgium. I again was a fool, but NO MORE! I have to love him enough to walk away for good. As I am walking away I will always have the memories of the times that were good, and I have two wonderful children. Those kids keep my heart beating. I am not sure if he reads this or not. This blog isn't for him, its for me to release the pain and heart ache and maybe one day help someone else going through what I am going through. Divorce, I think is worse than death, but if all the other people in the world can heal and move on so can I!

the do's and dont's

The whole separation or whatever this is that we are doing is so confusing! I swear!! Just trying to figure out a happy medium for everything is so hard. Someone needs to write a book on how to go through this type of thing. I would have so many questions. One of my main questions is Do I still wear my wedding ring? I have taken it off on the days I just feel like a fake wearing it, then I find it back on my finger when I still feel very connected to him. He made a comment one time about how he can't take his off since its a tattoo, and it just broke my heart. You see on our anniversary he got a wedding ring tattoo so he could NEVER take it off. It was put there as a reminder for when he was TDY etc. that he is married....apparently whores, I mean sluts, no...ummm stupid girls that don't care about their own marriage, really don't care if a ring in on the finger or not. I still feel married. I still want to be married. I still want to be married to my husband but in order for that to happen things will have to be VERY different. I digress, sorry! So back to the questions, does the married couple stay very close while separated? I know that in my relationship with him, we still talk for hours and talk often and it almost feels like he is just deployed and not home right now the only thing different is we don't say" I love you" at the end of the phone call or email.  For him, it may feel like something completely different. He is not one to talk about feelings etc. What guy really is?? I am not sure if he is the type of guy that could just call anyone and talk for hours....I don't think I want to know either.

But really how do people just separate when they have been together for long? I know my friends think I am insane for always talking to him, seeing him on FB etc. I am a very forgiving person and I know at some point I have to say yes I forgive him but I have also let him go, for good. I am just not sure I want to let go of him. I think he would love for me to let go as well but there is a strong pull for me to fight and until I feel its time to drop my head and walk away, I will keep fighting. I am so bi-polar in these blogs I know :) One blog, I am done fighting  a losing battle then next time I am rested and ready to fight again. Crazy..I know! I start counseling soon, don't worry!

So if you have answers to: when do you take off the ring? How much communication you should have with each other? or any advice on this let me know! and I don't want to hear you will know when its time...NO. I. WONT!

Just a little peace and rant

For the last day or so I have felt at peace with my situation. I feel your prayers and thoughts working and it feels good. When your life is in limbo and you don't know whats going to happen it can keep a person on edge. I will admit I do take a Xanax every now and then just to keep the tears from flowing at a rapid pace but I haven't taken it since Wednesday. It must be prayer that has helped me get through each day without losing my mind or worse. My sister has kept me busy and that helps as well. There is hardly a dull moment around here with 4 kids 3 houses and the up keep of this property. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be living out in the country and even considering building a house out here. I am starting to make plans for my future and in a way it is deeply sad that my husband isn't in those plans. I have always put him first and he was always in my thoughts 95% of the day but each day it gets less and less. I am not sure if thats good or bad. I guess in time we will see. I want nothing more than to be happy and my kids to be happy. The only person that can make that happen is me I guess. Sometimes I wonder if my husband ever did make me happy or if I was too caught up in "love" or the thought of being in love and having babies etc. At 18 I just wanted a family and to be that cute couple with it all. I sure hope my daughter doesn't get caught up in the idea of all that. When I saw my husband I knew he was "the one" now I am not so sure or maybe I am sure but keep telling myself he is not to lessen the pain of all this. What I am 100% sure of is what I want in a husband/father of my children and he is not it right now. I want someone to fight for me and want to be the best person he can be for God and his family. I want a man that doesn't have to have a electronic device in front of him  most of the time and would want to go for walks, play with the kids and just spend time with us. I need someone that I don't have to say "Hey the grass needs cutting" and he will just see that it needs done and take the annotative himself. I know, a girl can dream right?!?

Last night some guy messaged me on Facebook. Just saying hey babe and he wanted to get to know me better. The sad part out of all that is he is Military, well his picture was a military guy so I am just assuming he is military. Now I am very bitter toward military men. It seems when military men go TDY or deploy there main goal is to see how much "fun" they can have and not get caught. If you can call cheating on your spouse fun, that is. I know for a fact that girls do it too but it just makes me sick that people that are fighting for our country can't even fight to keep their marriage or relationship healthy and good. How sad it that? Now just to be clear I am not saying all Military people do what I am talking about. There are actually good people in the military, it just sucks for them because the other 99% give the 1% a bad name. What other job, other than being a bar tender can you drink beer at work? What kind of example are we setting for our future? Drinking is considered a bonding tool from what I can tell in the military. I am not saying drinking is bad, by any means please don't get me wrong, but when you are drinking at work a few beers here and there then driving home, what are we telling our nation, our kids or those teenagers that are thinking about signing up? That its okay to drive with intoxicated? OR oh a few beers won't hurt?
 Men and Woman if you are lonely while TDY, deployed etc. why not talk to your family, friends or God. Maybe hit the gym or read a book. Keep yourself busy so you are not tempted to cheat on your spouse or tempting a struggling spouse. As you can see I am bitter towards the Military pretty bad right now. This is just a build up of things and I am sorry if I offended anyone but this is my personal belief right now and rant :) Please don't hate me.

how do you know....

what to do? That is the question I keep asking myself. I am back in Alabama and now I am ready to make changes. Change is something I love but this time, this change is something I don't like at all. My marriage is obliovously done. When two people in a marriage are not living together and one doesn't love the other it kinda puts a damper on things. You can't stay married to someone that A. can't be faithful and B. doesn't love you and C. there is NO trust. It is just not healthy for me to stay married. I don't like the idea of staying married for a business purpose only. Yes, I need health insurance, car insurance and money but is it worth it in the long run? Many people I know are getting divorced and they survive why can't I? Yes I gave him 16 years of my life being a stay at home mom and supporting his every need. Now its my time to do what I need to do to survive and raise 2 wonderful children. Also I need to be able to heal and move on from this.Divorce is an extremely hard thing to do. It sucks but I can't keep telling myself he is going to come out of this, whatever "this" is. I can't wait for that and have hope for my future with him. I love his family and I won't be divorcing them and don't get me wrong there is a part of me that still loves him too. Love is very hard right now. I love the man I meet 16 years ago, the man I thought was going to be a Spiritual Leader of my family. I needed a husband that could be faithful, love being with his family and someone that would put his family before himself. I thought thats who I was marrying...jokes on me I guess. My son is an awesome kid and I pray he can learn from what we are going through and carry that on to when he becomes a man and starts a family. I pray my daughter can see what kind of man she needs in her life and not have to go through the hell, sadness and pain that I am dealing with. Life right now is not a happy one. I know its up to me to make it happy and not need a man to make me happy and feel good about myself. Its easy to type but hard to do. I now I really need to just focus on the kids and myself. I need to not let my dream/nightmares at night dectate the way my day goes. Let me explain that statement. Every single time my husband cheated I would have moments in the day where my heart would feel like it stopped and I would think he is cheating on me or something would tell me to check his computer. Now this last time he cheated and he was gone TDY, I would have nightmares about me seeing him with another girl. I would brush it off after he assured me he wasn't doing anything. I felt bad even asking him and I felt guilty for not trusting him because we had just gone through that a 2 years ago and we did everything to have a good marriage, so I thought. We would pray together every night and talked a lot, well he talked, I listened. It was always about him but I figured if I served him in every way possible and ,are sure he was happy things would be great. Someone told me I was too perfect as a wife....I don't agree with that but maybe I spoiled him so much that he just thought he could "have his cake and eat it too". Well I am done. I am done with spoiling a man. Its my turn. Its my turn to enjoy life and not have to feel not good enough. When a man looks at porn or is always looking at other girls it makes you feel like crap about yourself. I know it did for me. I never felt pretty enough, skinny enough and just enough for him. In my head if he was looking at them then I wasn't even worth looking at. The worst part about all this is when I did lose the weight and finally feel sexy enough is when I would find he was cheating. That can really screw a girl up. So now I am going to lose weight and feel sexy for myself, not some selfish jerk that only cares about his self and needs. Please pray I can make the right decisions for my family and myself. At some point I have to get out of this depression and stop needing him. I do hope he hits rock bottom and can come out of whatever he is going through. I sure hope he doesn't taint anymore people and can find himself and be a good person when all is said and done. Right now all I can do is raise his/our kids the best I know how and learn to not hate him for what he has done. I care deeply for him and I use to consider him one of my best friends but then today I thought well heck a best friend would never do what he has done. Lie, cheat and basically steal my heart. A husband surely wouldn't do that either. He has made me a fool for so many years and its time to stop letting him treat me like that!

I am so torn

What am I doing? That is a question I ask myself almost hourly right now. How can I let one person in my life be the deciding factor on if I am happy or not? That one person who has cheated on me numerous times, made me feel about as low as you can get but I still let him determine my happiness. Is it love or is it something else? I can write about this stuff because he doesn't read my blog. For starters if I was on the other end of this marriage and I was the one forcing my family to leave so I could "work" on myself, I would want to know what the heck was going on in their heart during all this. I am sure it's the difference between a man and a woman. For so long and still now I keep blaming myself for everything that keeps happening in my marriage. I keep saying if I had only lost the weight and kept it off he wouldn't have wanted to cheat on me, or if I had only gone to college he wouldn't have ever said I am not "intellectually stimulating" enough for him. If only seems to be the title of my life right now. I am trying so hard not to blame myself but its very hard. I know he is to blame too for being so selfish and letting this happen to his family, but did I help him be this way? I struggle with that daily.

Now if only my new therapist who ever that may be, could just read my blogs to see how crazy I am it would save me from having to re-tell this hell all over again!

So this is what I am dealing with today: Yes, I know I am nuts :)

1. I about to move 4,000 from my so called husband that cant even claim me as his wife. (how shitty is that?!?)

2. I get to move away not knowing what will happen to my marriage or be there to help decide whats going to happen.

3. I get to sit and wait for him to work on himself for only God knows how long, while I try to work on myself but I still don't know where my future will be or what I am working towards or for.

So (A.) Do I get a job and start working only on my life and not try to have hope that my marriage will actually work in the long run OR (B.) Do I work on myself, get healthy mentally and physically, get odds and end type jobs and save money until I know whether or not he wants to stay married to me? You know I want answer B, of course because I am a hopeless romantic that ache for someone to love me just as much or more than I love him. I would do anything for a husband that would want to bring home flowers to surprise me, ask me out on dates, want to just cuddle while watching a movie....You know those type of love story things. I am not asking for it everyday but just something to know he appreciates me and loves me without having to say those three little words. Maybe one day my husband will read this and get a clue...

Can you see now why all I want to do is sleep? My mind goes to a happy place 65% of the time when I am asleep. Its better than being awake and only being able to think about this life I have right now. Lord please help me!

I am sorry these blogs get more depressing as time goes on. Time is getting closer from me moving away from a place I love and a man I love and have loved all my life even when I didn't know him. A man I prayed for even when I was a little girl. A man that when he walked into that church building one Saturday afternoon, I knew right then he would be my husband. and this is how all that happiness and excitement ended up....I pray one day I can write a different, happy blog about how it all turned around.

The Packers are coming...The packers are coming...

and I don't have the energy to do a dang thang! I am not sure if I am just emotional drained or physically drained. I think its more emotionally drained than anything. There is so many mixed emotions going through this house I don't see how anyone can function in this house right now. I am guessing thats why my kids sleep so much because it is just easier to sleep than deal with an emotionally drained mom. I am trying so hard to be positive about everything. I keep making myself goals because in the grand scheme of things I am the only one that can control my life, my life is the only thing I can control...just myself...my body. Man, thats a lot to take in. I cant control whats going in my life because if thats the case I wouldn't be going through this hell.

Now the packers will be here Monday. At first I was dividing 16 years of marriage, all the things we accumulated over the years. Now things have changed a little....as in we are not sure if divorce is in our future or not. Before it was 100% sure (on his part, it has never been that way for me) now its 50/50....like I said up there, very mixed emotions going through this place. As of right now, as of today at 4pm, we are just separating to figure things out. We are going to take this time to work on ourselves and then see if our marriage is able to be saved or if he even wants to save it. So my life will be in limbo for the next 2 years or so I guess. If you know me then you know I am the type that plans everything and needs a plan at all times. I like to be organized and informed. I better get use to the un-known real quick because as of right now that will be my life for a while. This is maybe a really good thing for me though (see positive thinking) I will learn patience, and learn to have faith. Not only to have faith in God but in my husband. For 16 years I have done everything for him, sun up to sun down it was all about him. I have to have faith that he can survive some without me. Lets not get too crazy, I don't want him to learn to live 100% without me because I still want to be married in the end. I digress again and again..sorry! Goals, yes goals, my first goal is to get healthy. I will lose 60 pounds and learn to LOVE to run. I have to do this for myself. I feel if I can lose the weight and get healthy I can then feel sexy and be confident in everything I do. My next goal is to get a 2 year degree. I know shocking, me and college that is something I never thought would be in a sentence together. I always said I wanted to be a stay at home mom taking care of my family and let my husband be the bread winner, he goes to work I take care of EVERYTHING else. Well, see where that go me? So now at 34 I am going to make something of my life other than being a mom. Don't get me wrong being a mom is the best thing ever but when you are basically walking on a tight rope and the only thing holding you up is the possibility of maybe staying married you have to do something to make sure you don't fall flat on your face. If anything I will always have college and will be able to use that experience even if it's volunteering somewhere. I want to be prepared for anything. I have a ton more goals but those are the key ones. Ultimately I want to be happily married and loving life with my husband but first he has to love himself and want to be a loving husband and father. I don't ever want to regret anything in life. I will try to live life to the fullest and be the right example for my kids. I will keep my head up high and have faith that whatever happens,happens for a reason. Reasons I may not ever know but I just have to know God will not put something in my path that I absolutely cannot handle.

I know I just ramble on here but this is my therapy until I can get to the states and get into real therapy. I stay real on here so if you are ever wondering whats up with me or my family then here it is :)

well here we go

So tomorrow I ship my Volvo to Alabama. This marks one of the things I never looked forward to doing. I knew once my car was shipped I wouldn't be waking up from a nightmare or a coma, it would mean this is for real. For me I am still in shock that this is actually happening to my family. Never ever did I think my family would be broken into. I pray my kids will learn from this hell and not following in our footsteps when it comes to marriage and divorce. Divorce is the most selfish thing you can do to your children when in reality our home was happy. There was no abuse, or fighting that a normal family would endure before a divorce. This was all so sudden and it just makes me so sick. For 3 months I have had to live with a man that cannot be faithful to me and doesn't love me. Everyday I got up made his breakfast, washed his clothes and had dinner on the table when he got home from work. Most days there was laughter and just being a normal family with a big elephant in the corner of the room reminding me that this temporary until we leave...forever. One thing this situation has taught me is  grace. If I didn't have grace and the ability to forgive I wouldn't have been able to do all the things I have done for him these last few months. I have always been a person to think of others first and myself last. Now I am going to have to learn to put myself first every once in a while to find myself and happiness. I use to think that being with him and us having a great marriage would bring me happiness. That is definitely not the case. So now I have to start over. I have to get a job and learn to live without what I thought was my soul mate and partner in raising our kids. If anyone is reading this I hope you will learn from what I am going through. Communicate with your spouse, take time to go on dates and truly connect with them. Make sure that they just don't talk about themselves and then you never get to say a word about your dreams. If you don't get a chance to talk then they will never know what you want and who you really are. Get to know your spouse everyday but make sure they know you too. I was the type of wife that everything I did revolved around him. I only wanted what was best for him and his career, putting him first in everything. See where it got me?No education no career, divorce, sadness and not being loved by the one you love so deeply. So ladies or men out there take time for yourself and your family, those dishes don't have to be done right when dinner is over and that dust on the end tables will be there tomorrow. Take time to enjoy life with your family because you never know when it will be taken from you.

On a side note: after shipping the car we have to have TMO come and pack our things then it's getting on the plane and starting a new adventure in life as the 3 of us. We still don't have dates for those events but soon we will.

Respect

Most people don't even know what that means these days. I hope I can teach my children to respect others and treat people the way they want to be treated. For my son I pray he will learn to respect girls and know how to treat a girl. I want my son to be the guy that opens a door for a girl, whether it be a door to a store or the car door, I want him to know that a lady should always be treated like a Queen no matter what. Maybe since he will be raised soon in a house with only girls it will set in pretty quickly. I am very fond of the southern man. One that says "Yes Ma'am" and tips his hat to say hello...I know I am dreaming but hey it could happen. I would love for my daughter to know that, that is how she should be treated always. When she starts dating I hope she is picky and finds someone like I have described. Growing up my daddy would treat his girls with respect, he would take each of us out on Daddy/Daughter dates and no matter if he was worn out from working he would take time to throw the ball with us, go swimming or come to my softball practice. Now my dad is an amputee due to being in Vietnam. He was blown up when he stepped on a land mine. That never stopped him! He would be in pain but he always made time for his three girls. He taught us what sacrificing for your kids meant and I thank him for that. When you are a parent you have a really big job and that job is to raise your kids right. I don't think many people even know what thats means these days. We shouldn't let the internet and TV raise our children. If we do they will NEVER learn what respect means. Respect is weighing heavily on my heart right now with all that my family is going through. I wont go into details but that is something that is missing in my family right now, but not for long!

I goggled respect and this is what I got:

re·spect

   [ri-spekt]  Show IPA

noun

1.

a particular, detail, or point (usually preceded by in ): todiffer in some respect.

2.

relation or reference: inquiries with respect to a route.

3.

esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of aperson, a personal quality or ability, or somethingconsidered as a manifestation of a personal quality orability: I have great respect for her judgment.

4.

deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, orsomeone or something considered to have certain rights orprivileges; proper acceptance or courtesy;acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to showrespect for the flag; respect for the elderly.

5.

the condition of being esteemed or honored: to be held inrespect.

Europe I will miss you!

When we got off the plane on Sept 29th, 2011, I thought I was going to die. I felt like we were being abducted by aliens and just dropped off in the middle of no where. As we were driving to Peer, the town we would be spending the next month or so in, I was in culture shock. All the little towns and roundabouts, it was insane so I thought. I thought to myself there is no way in heck I was ever going to drive in Europe. JR was going to be driving us everywhere and I was going to be fine with that. Then I put my big girl panties on and just did it. We were borrowing a car from one of the families here...and when I say car I mean a freaking purple boat...I felt like we were riding Barney. The car was affectionally named the Mustache Ride (long story). So I got in the car and drove. I was doing it and I never stopped. It was like it came natural to drive in those roundabouts and driving on one car roads when people were coming from both directions. You just get use to it. Today as I was driving to Schinnen I started thinking about how scared I was of this place and how bad I hated it. I hated driving 45 minutes to get the the Commissary and I hated it took up every Saturday to get groceries etc. Now I love it. I love the drive. It gives me time to think and just be alone or when we are all together going to Schinnen its a time that no one can be on the internet. I love driving on those tiny roads, its like a challenge to me. I am beast when I am behind the wheel of my Volvo driving on those roads. I love seeing the horses galloping in their field, watching them go from a colt to a full grown horse. I am going to miss having to dodge those people on their bikes that think the road is theirs only when they are not on the bike path. I will miss admiring the older people peddling as fast as they can to get to their lunch dates. You would be amazed at how many older folks ride in their bicycle gangs. It is so cute to see the ladies all riding down the road just chatting away ( I am assuming they are chatting about the day, I cant understand them) In my head they are talking about how beautiful the day is and what they are going to cook for dinner that night. I hate that I didn't embrace the European Life sooner. When we got here we had about one week of warm beautiful weather then it turned extremely cold. We had snow and sleet every week it seemed like. If you know me I would rather the warmth and sun! There were some days when we would experience all the seasons in one day. There was a Sunday afternoon we decided to go to our favorite pizza parlor, while there it was beautiful and sunny then all of the sudden it turned dark and was hailing then sleeting then snowing all in the time that we were sitting there having dinner. It was crazy but you learn to expect that here in Europe or at least in Belgium. BUT the real thing I am going to miss other than the person we are leaving behind is PROCH SITTING! Oh porch sitting, you rock my world. That is by far the most relaxing thing to do here in Europe. The local restaurants are plentiful here. If its just to sip on coffee and relax or have one of the best meals you will ever have, each restaurant delivers just that. Now there are some more relaxing porches than other but I pretty much have my favorite places to frequent with my girl friends. Porch Sitting, I shall take with me to Montgomery and maybe I will make it a tradition there with my kids. Too bad I cant take back the slow pace of life too.

I didn't have the best of luck the first 6 months living here, I wont even re-live all that happened and what I went through. It had me down in the dumps, but at some point you just have to say STOP IT, and learn to roll with the punches. Just when I started rolling with it and getting my smile back on my face it got slapped right off of me, for about a solid week. After that week of crying nonstop and thinking about what I could do to end it all I had to say again to myself STOP IT. Yes, my marriage is over and my children are absolutely miserable here but I had to start leaning on God since I couldn't lean on my husband anymore. Prayer is what has kept me from jumping off a cliff and saying screw it all. Prayers from others, I have felt daily. If it wasn't for prayer JR and I wouldn't be able to get along so well. Just imagine living with someone that you know doesn't love you and has started a romance with someone else, knowing his love and thoughts have shifted to someone else. It's gut wrenching when you think about it. The love of my life is no longer my love. God has helped me not lose my mind in all this. Each day before turning on my kindle to do my daily devotional, I pray that he speaks to me in what I read. Do you know that each day he delivers! How awesome is that?I always want to run to JR to tell him what God spoke to me about that day, but I know I cant do that anymore. I don't deserve anything from God. I fall daily to sin and I let the devil in so many times a day it make me sick thinking about it. Our God keeps picking me back up and brushing me off. I pray daily for my husband even though I don't think he wants my prayers, I still do it in hopes that one day it will click and he will come back to God and his family. I can't hold out hope for that though, I have to focus on myself and my kids. I have to make sure that whats going on right now isn't going to effect my children spiritually in the long run. If anything I hope they see what God has done to help them/us through this. I have to hold on to hope that God will not give me something I cant handle and I have to hold on to the saying I have heard so many times before that everything happens for a reason....thats a hard one to swallow! Why would God destroy my marriage and have the love of my life not be in love with me anymore, then I have to stop and think, its not God its the devil and the devil alone. With Gods help we will get through it and come out on top. There may be times that I break down and cry, I am still mourning the loss of my husband/best friend and mourning the fact that I am leaving a country I have grown to love and good friends that I could finally call friends and feel like I could be Helen and it was good enough. I know when I get back I will have my family and my BFF but it just wont be the same without him.....

Hurry Up and Wait...

that is pretty much what we are dealing with. I hear that saying quiet often being a dependent in the Air Force. Right now we are dealing with trying to get a ERD (Early Release of Dependents) so the children and I can move back to Alabama. We had to hurry up and get the paper work in so we could be gone by the end of May. The end of May is next week and we still don't have orders to leave. The kids will need to get in the Acceleration Program at school to be able to get their grade of completion and be able to leave 20 days before school lets out but they are not allowed to do so until we have orders. Their last day of school is at the end of June as of right now. I am afraid thats when the Air Force will actually get everything complete for us to leave. How do you break it to your kids that they will most likely have to stay here until then? My son is not dealing well living here. I am not sure if its because of what our family is going through or what. I know its hard for him to see his parents together knowing the heart ache I am going through. Its also hard for him to look at his father. I wanted so badly for those two to work out their issues before we leave. I don't want their relationship to get any worse. I pray daily that at some point they both will grow up some and realize they are stuck together forever. No matter what has happened and no matter how disappointed my son is with his father, he is will always be his father. Its just so sad to see time wasted by watching TV or being on their IPODS when they could be outside throwing the football or taking a jog down to the canal to talk. One day it will be too late. I digress though. So back to the hurry up and wait, without our orders from the Air Force I can not ship my car, buy airline tickets, or have the movers here to pack our stuff and start having it sent to Alabama. In a perfect world all that would have been done already so when we arrived I would have my car and household items so we can get settled before school starts again. Once school starts, I will have to find a job and start finding my way through the life of being a single parent.  Just typing that brought tears to my eyes. I never thought my marriage would be just another statistic. My kids were always so proud to say to their friends that yes my parents are still together and have been married for such and such time. Now they will join the other kids that deal with going to their dads every once in a while and having that part time parent. With JR living 4000 miles away in Europe for the next 2.5 years the kids will not be able to see their father easily, nor with the time zone they will not be able to pick up the phone and call him whenever too. So the kids are for sure over this place and ready to be in Alabama, if you are my sons friend on Facebook you would be able to come to that conclusion pretty easily. As for me I just started loving Europe. I could stay here for a while and be just fine, other than knowing my husband is cheating on me and would rather us be gone so he can do whatever his heart desires. I want to travel and explore this part of the world. That was one of the reasons JR joined the Air Force. JR said to me "I want to show you the world". Well buddy I guess you kinda did, just not in the way I thought you would. So at last we will wait and wait until the Air Force signs the orders, then its back to hurrying up again....after that the next time we wait will be for our plane to take the kids back to their happy place and for me, it will take me away from my husband and my life I started here and make me realize this all isn't a dream and I am not in a coma have the worst nightmare of my life...in fact it will be real.

Things Change Mox....

the saying from one of my favorite movies, Varsity Blues. In this case things are changing in our life and I am still figuring out if its for the best or worst. Finding out your husband is cheating on you is about the most gut wrenching thing that can happen to woman other than their child falling ill or worse, has died. That moment when you think life is good and you are making changes in your life to make it even better and then BAM you get hit with something you never thought you would ever hear...Yes, I cheated on you and I want a divorce or I am not in love with you anymore. Life is changing and its changing fast. We just moved 4000 miles away from our family, just unpacked all the boxes and I just started loving Europe, we were making friends and things seemed to be on the up.....so I thought. Now the children and I have to pack back up and move back to Alabama and start over.  Divorcing after 16 years of marriage is extremely hard on top of splitting everything up and trying to keep the peace for the children's sake. But is it for the children's sake? Its very complicated. We get along great. We laugh, joke around and still share common interest. How could someone still do all this and be getting divorced? Selfishness is the answer. Selfishness is a deadly thing to your mind and soul. Its something I was taught to never be but I guess he wasn't. After the other times I found out he was cheating, we worked it out. We went to counseling, started praying together and reading marriage books to help us through the rough patches.I told him Jesus forgives us daily so who am I to not forgive and move past this. I wonder now if he even read those books or even whole heartily tried to become the man he was called to be. Without God your life is empty and dark. Why would somebody want that kind of life? The devil is in control and he has a tight grip on things. With God you know you will one day end up living in a mansion, singing with Angels and living with our Lord Savior for eternity. Yes, the devil makes everything look so much better. He makes "her" seem 100% better than what you have already. That's just it though, he makes it seem more desirable and better....just like Eve in the Garden of Eden. Why cant men/women that cheat realize when they are doing this it is hurting so many more people and not worth the pain and agony it brings on the family. Again selfishness comes into play. So what I am doing about it? I am praying daily for him and using this hell I am living to turn my life around. When you live with someone that doesn't give you respect you deserve and make you feel so ugly inside and out it really damages you. I am using this moment in my life to get healthy. I have started running and working out. I have lost 30 pounds since January. The sad thing is he never noticed until I asked him about it. I don't plan on stopping at 30 pounds lost. I plan on going all the way to 100 pounds lost. I have 70 more to go. I am looking at life differently. My goal is to think positive about every situation, starting with my husbands affair. If he hadn't of slipped again I would still be in the dump of life just going through the motions caring for him and the kids but never taking the time for myself. Not saying what he did was right or that he is excused from this, I am saying everything happens for a reason. God doesn't give us something we cant handle.I truly believe and I am so much stronger now.Through prayer and having support from my family and friends I will overcome this. The sad part is it took this happening for me to open my eyes and see where I was headed. I had thought about suicide a lot but I couldn't do that to my kids and family. Maybe God decided this was the best thing for me to go through. It sucks, it sucks bad. I loved my husband and still do and I would have moved the world to make him happy, when all a long he would not have done the same for me, and I am still asking myself why I love him, trust me. I married for better or worse, he did not. My marriage could be fixed but when its a one way street it cant happen. I pray each day he will find what he is missing and will one day open his eyes to what he is leaving behind.  Our children are the real ones suffering here. Not having both parents there to support them at everything they do and to make memories as a family really just sucks for them. That is extremely sad to me. All because one person was so selfish and couldn't get over himself. I also pray my children learn from the mistakes made and will one day find a love worth working for everyday. I was willing to do that....