the do's and dont's

The whole separation or whatever this is that we are doing is so confusing! I swear!! Just trying to figure out a happy medium for everything is so hard. Someone needs to write a book on how to go through this type of thing. I would have so many questions. One of my main questions is Do I still wear my wedding ring? I have taken it off on the days I just feel like a fake wearing it, then I find it back on my finger when I still feel very connected to him. He made a comment one time about how he can't take his off since its a tattoo, and it just broke my heart. You see on our anniversary he got a wedding ring tattoo so he could NEVER take it off. It was put there as a reminder for when he was TDY etc. that he is married....apparently whores, I mean sluts, no...ummm stupid girls that don't care about their own marriage, really don't care if a ring in on the finger or not. I still feel married. I still want to be married. I still want to be married to my husband but in order for that to happen things will have to be VERY different. I digress, sorry! So back to the questions, does the married couple stay very close while separated? I know that in my relationship with him, we still talk for hours and talk often and it almost feels like he is just deployed and not home right now the only thing different is we don't say" I love you" at the end of the phone call or email.  For him, it may feel like something completely different. He is not one to talk about feelings etc. What guy really is?? I am not sure if he is the type of guy that could just call anyone and talk for hours....I don't think I want to know either.

But really how do people just separate when they have been together for long? I know my friends think I am insane for always talking to him, seeing him on FB etc. I am a very forgiving person and I know at some point I have to say yes I forgive him but I have also let him go, for good. I am just not sure I want to let go of him. I think he would love for me to let go as well but there is a strong pull for me to fight and until I feel its time to drop my head and walk away, I will keep fighting. I am so bi-polar in these blogs I know :) One blog, I am done fighting  a losing battle then next time I am rested and ready to fight again. Crazy..I know! I start counseling soon, don't worry!

So if you have answers to: when do you take off the ring? How much communication you should have with each other? or any advice on this let me know! and I don't want to hear you will know when its time...NO. I. WONT!

Just a little peace and rant

For the last day or so I have felt at peace with my situation. I feel your prayers and thoughts working and it feels good. When your life is in limbo and you don't know whats going to happen it can keep a person on edge. I will admit I do take a Xanax every now and then just to keep the tears from flowing at a rapid pace but I haven't taken it since Wednesday. It must be prayer that has helped me get through each day without losing my mind or worse. My sister has kept me busy and that helps as well. There is hardly a dull moment around here with 4 kids 3 houses and the up keep of this property. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be living out in the country and even considering building a house out here. I am starting to make plans for my future and in a way it is deeply sad that my husband isn't in those plans. I have always put him first and he was always in my thoughts 95% of the day but each day it gets less and less. I am not sure if thats good or bad. I guess in time we will see. I want nothing more than to be happy and my kids to be happy. The only person that can make that happen is me I guess. Sometimes I wonder if my husband ever did make me happy or if I was too caught up in "love" or the thought of being in love and having babies etc. At 18 I just wanted a family and to be that cute couple with it all. I sure hope my daughter doesn't get caught up in the idea of all that. When I saw my husband I knew he was "the one" now I am not so sure or maybe I am sure but keep telling myself he is not to lessen the pain of all this. What I am 100% sure of is what I want in a husband/father of my children and he is not it right now. I want someone to fight for me and want to be the best person he can be for God and his family. I want a man that doesn't have to have a electronic device in front of him  most of the time and would want to go for walks, play with the kids and just spend time with us. I need someone that I don't have to say "Hey the grass needs cutting" and he will just see that it needs done and take the annotative himself. I know, a girl can dream right?!?

Last night some guy messaged me on Facebook. Just saying hey babe and he wanted to get to know me better. The sad part out of all that is he is Military, well his picture was a military guy so I am just assuming he is military. Now I am very bitter toward military men. It seems when military men go TDY or deploy there main goal is to see how much "fun" they can have and not get caught. If you can call cheating on your spouse fun, that is. I know for a fact that girls do it too but it just makes me sick that people that are fighting for our country can't even fight to keep their marriage or relationship healthy and good. How sad it that? Now just to be clear I am not saying all Military people do what I am talking about. There are actually good people in the military, it just sucks for them because the other 99% give the 1% a bad name. What other job, other than being a bar tender can you drink beer at work? What kind of example are we setting for our future? Drinking is considered a bonding tool from what I can tell in the military. I am not saying drinking is bad, by any means please don't get me wrong, but when you are drinking at work a few beers here and there then driving home, what are we telling our nation, our kids or those teenagers that are thinking about signing up? That its okay to drive with intoxicated? OR oh a few beers won't hurt?
 Men and Woman if you are lonely while TDY, deployed etc. why not talk to your family, friends or God. Maybe hit the gym or read a book. Keep yourself busy so you are not tempted to cheat on your spouse or tempting a struggling spouse. As you can see I am bitter towards the Military pretty bad right now. This is just a build up of things and I am sorry if I offended anyone but this is my personal belief right now and rant :) Please don't hate me.

how do you know....

what to do? That is the question I keep asking myself. I am back in Alabama and now I am ready to make changes. Change is something I love but this time, this change is something I don't like at all. My marriage is obliovously done. When two people in a marriage are not living together and one doesn't love the other it kinda puts a damper on things. You can't stay married to someone that A. can't be faithful and B. doesn't love you and C. there is NO trust. It is just not healthy for me to stay married. I don't like the idea of staying married for a business purpose only. Yes, I need health insurance, car insurance and money but is it worth it in the long run? Many people I know are getting divorced and they survive why can't I? Yes I gave him 16 years of my life being a stay at home mom and supporting his every need. Now its my time to do what I need to do to survive and raise 2 wonderful children. Also I need to be able to heal and move on from this.Divorce is an extremely hard thing to do. It sucks but I can't keep telling myself he is going to come out of this, whatever "this" is. I can't wait for that and have hope for my future with him. I love his family and I won't be divorcing them and don't get me wrong there is a part of me that still loves him too. Love is very hard right now. I love the man I meet 16 years ago, the man I thought was going to be a Spiritual Leader of my family. I needed a husband that could be faithful, love being with his family and someone that would put his family before himself. I thought thats who I was marrying...jokes on me I guess. My son is an awesome kid and I pray he can learn from what we are going through and carry that on to when he becomes a man and starts a family. I pray my daughter can see what kind of man she needs in her life and not have to go through the hell, sadness and pain that I am dealing with. Life right now is not a happy one. I know its up to me to make it happy and not need a man to make me happy and feel good about myself. Its easy to type but hard to do. I now I really need to just focus on the kids and myself. I need to not let my dream/nightmares at night dectate the way my day goes. Let me explain that statement. Every single time my husband cheated I would have moments in the day where my heart would feel like it stopped and I would think he is cheating on me or something would tell me to check his computer. Now this last time he cheated and he was gone TDY, I would have nightmares about me seeing him with another girl. I would brush it off after he assured me he wasn't doing anything. I felt bad even asking him and I felt guilty for not trusting him because we had just gone through that a 2 years ago and we did everything to have a good marriage, so I thought. We would pray together every night and talked a lot, well he talked, I listened. It was always about him but I figured if I served him in every way possible and ,are sure he was happy things would be great. Someone told me I was too perfect as a wife....I don't agree with that but maybe I spoiled him so much that he just thought he could "have his cake and eat it too". Well I am done. I am done with spoiling a man. Its my turn. Its my turn to enjoy life and not have to feel not good enough. When a man looks at porn or is always looking at other girls it makes you feel like crap about yourself. I know it did for me. I never felt pretty enough, skinny enough and just enough for him. In my head if he was looking at them then I wasn't even worth looking at. The worst part about all this is when I did lose the weight and finally feel sexy enough is when I would find he was cheating. That can really screw a girl up. So now I am going to lose weight and feel sexy for myself, not some selfish jerk that only cares about his self and needs. Please pray I can make the right decisions for my family and myself. At some point I have to get out of this depression and stop needing him. I do hope he hits rock bottom and can come out of whatever he is going through. I sure hope he doesn't taint anymore people and can find himself and be a good person when all is said and done. Right now all I can do is raise his/our kids the best I know how and learn to not hate him for what he has done. I care deeply for him and I use to consider him one of my best friends but then today I thought well heck a best friend would never do what he has done. Lie, cheat and basically steal my heart. A husband surely wouldn't do that either. He has made me a fool for so many years and its time to stop letting him treat me like that!

I am so torn

What am I doing? That is a question I ask myself almost hourly right now. How can I let one person in my life be the deciding factor on if I am happy or not? That one person who has cheated on me numerous times, made me feel about as low as you can get but I still let him determine my happiness. Is it love or is it something else? I can write about this stuff because he doesn't read my blog. For starters if I was on the other end of this marriage and I was the one forcing my family to leave so I could "work" on myself, I would want to know what the heck was going on in their heart during all this. I am sure it's the difference between a man and a woman. For so long and still now I keep blaming myself for everything that keeps happening in my marriage. I keep saying if I had only lost the weight and kept it off he wouldn't have wanted to cheat on me, or if I had only gone to college he wouldn't have ever said I am not "intellectually stimulating" enough for him. If only seems to be the title of my life right now. I am trying so hard not to blame myself but its very hard. I know he is to blame too for being so selfish and letting this happen to his family, but did I help him be this way? I struggle with that daily.

Now if only my new therapist who ever that may be, could just read my blogs to see how crazy I am it would save me from having to re-tell this hell all over again!

So this is what I am dealing with today: Yes, I know I am nuts :)

1. I about to move 4,000 from my so called husband that cant even claim me as his wife. (how shitty is that?!?)

2. I get to move away not knowing what will happen to my marriage or be there to help decide whats going to happen.

3. I get to sit and wait for him to work on himself for only God knows how long, while I try to work on myself but I still don't know where my future will be or what I am working towards or for.

So (A.) Do I get a job and start working only on my life and not try to have hope that my marriage will actually work in the long run OR (B.) Do I work on myself, get healthy mentally and physically, get odds and end type jobs and save money until I know whether or not he wants to stay married to me? You know I want answer B, of course because I am a hopeless romantic that ache for someone to love me just as much or more than I love him. I would do anything for a husband that would want to bring home flowers to surprise me, ask me out on dates, want to just cuddle while watching a movie....You know those type of love story things. I am not asking for it everyday but just something to know he appreciates me and loves me without having to say those three little words. Maybe one day my husband will read this and get a clue...

Can you see now why all I want to do is sleep? My mind goes to a happy place 65% of the time when I am asleep. Its better than being awake and only being able to think about this life I have right now. Lord please help me!

I am sorry these blogs get more depressing as time goes on. Time is getting closer from me moving away from a place I love and a man I love and have loved all my life even when I didn't know him. A man I prayed for even when I was a little girl. A man that when he walked into that church building one Saturday afternoon, I knew right then he would be my husband. and this is how all that happiness and excitement ended up....I pray one day I can write a different, happy blog about how it all turned around.

The Packers are coming...The packers are coming...

and I don't have the energy to do a dang thang! I am not sure if I am just emotional drained or physically drained. I think its more emotionally drained than anything. There is so many mixed emotions going through this house I don't see how anyone can function in this house right now. I am guessing thats why my kids sleep so much because it is just easier to sleep than deal with an emotionally drained mom. I am trying so hard to be positive about everything. I keep making myself goals because in the grand scheme of things I am the only one that can control my life, my life is the only thing I can control...just myself...my body. Man, thats a lot to take in. I cant control whats going in my life because if thats the case I wouldn't be going through this hell.

Now the packers will be here Monday. At first I was dividing 16 years of marriage, all the things we accumulated over the years. Now things have changed a little....as in we are not sure if divorce is in our future or not. Before it was 100% sure (on his part, it has never been that way for me) now its 50/50....like I said up there, very mixed emotions going through this place. As of right now, as of today at 4pm, we are just separating to figure things out. We are going to take this time to work on ourselves and then see if our marriage is able to be saved or if he even wants to save it. So my life will be in limbo for the next 2 years or so I guess. If you know me then you know I am the type that plans everything and needs a plan at all times. I like to be organized and informed. I better get use to the un-known real quick because as of right now that will be my life for a while. This is maybe a really good thing for me though (see positive thinking) I will learn patience, and learn to have faith. Not only to have faith in God but in my husband. For 16 years I have done everything for him, sun up to sun down it was all about him. I have to have faith that he can survive some without me. Lets not get too crazy, I don't want him to learn to live 100% without me because I still want to be married in the end. I digress again and again..sorry! Goals, yes goals, my first goal is to get healthy. I will lose 60 pounds and learn to LOVE to run. I have to do this for myself. I feel if I can lose the weight and get healthy I can then feel sexy and be confident in everything I do. My next goal is to get a 2 year degree. I know shocking, me and college that is something I never thought would be in a sentence together. I always said I wanted to be a stay at home mom taking care of my family and let my husband be the bread winner, he goes to work I take care of EVERYTHING else. Well, see where that go me? So now at 34 I am going to make something of my life other than being a mom. Don't get me wrong being a mom is the best thing ever but when you are basically walking on a tight rope and the only thing holding you up is the possibility of maybe staying married you have to do something to make sure you don't fall flat on your face. If anything I will always have college and will be able to use that experience even if it's volunteering somewhere. I want to be prepared for anything. I have a ton more goals but those are the key ones. Ultimately I want to be happily married and loving life with my husband but first he has to love himself and want to be a loving husband and father. I don't ever want to regret anything in life. I will try to live life to the fullest and be the right example for my kids. I will keep my head up high and have faith that whatever happens,happens for a reason. Reasons I may not ever know but I just have to know God will not put something in my path that I absolutely cannot handle.

I know I just ramble on here but this is my therapy until I can get to the states and get into real therapy. I stay real on here so if you are ever wondering whats up with me or my family then here it is :)

well here we go

So tomorrow I ship my Volvo to Alabama. This marks one of the things I never looked forward to doing. I knew once my car was shipped I wouldn't be waking up from a nightmare or a coma, it would mean this is for real. For me I am still in shock that this is actually happening to my family. Never ever did I think my family would be broken into. I pray my kids will learn from this hell and not following in our footsteps when it comes to marriage and divorce. Divorce is the most selfish thing you can do to your children when in reality our home was happy. There was no abuse, or fighting that a normal family would endure before a divorce. This was all so sudden and it just makes me so sick. For 3 months I have had to live with a man that cannot be faithful to me and doesn't love me. Everyday I got up made his breakfast, washed his clothes and had dinner on the table when he got home from work. Most days there was laughter and just being a normal family with a big elephant in the corner of the room reminding me that this temporary until we leave...forever. One thing this situation has taught me is  grace. If I didn't have grace and the ability to forgive I wouldn't have been able to do all the things I have done for him these last few months. I have always been a person to think of others first and myself last. Now I am going to have to learn to put myself first every once in a while to find myself and happiness. I use to think that being with him and us having a great marriage would bring me happiness. That is definitely not the case. So now I have to start over. I have to get a job and learn to live without what I thought was my soul mate and partner in raising our kids. If anyone is reading this I hope you will learn from what I am going through. Communicate with your spouse, take time to go on dates and truly connect with them. Make sure that they just don't talk about themselves and then you never get to say a word about your dreams. If you don't get a chance to talk then they will never know what you want and who you really are. Get to know your spouse everyday but make sure they know you too. I was the type of wife that everything I did revolved around him. I only wanted what was best for him and his career, putting him first in everything. See where it got me?No education no career, divorce, sadness and not being loved by the one you love so deeply. So ladies or men out there take time for yourself and your family, those dishes don't have to be done right when dinner is over and that dust on the end tables will be there tomorrow. Take time to enjoy life with your family because you never know when it will be taken from you.

On a side note: after shipping the car we have to have TMO come and pack our things then it's getting on the plane and starting a new adventure in life as the 3 of us. We still don't have dates for those events but soon we will.