I will take those moments

For last couple days I have been able to talk to him without fighting. It has felt so good just to have my friend back and not my enemy. I got to thinking and of course I didn't bring this up to him but he has been away from a certain guy friend of his for a solid week. Ever since then his attitude is so different. He has opened up to me more and been the guy I use to know. I am not sure why the change but I will take it, even if its last a short time. The sad part is when we are getting along so well I keep asking myself why are we going through this hell? Why can't he be this guy and not the other person that is so harsh and mean towards me. Maybe one day he will notice the change within himself and get that the people he hangs out with is not the best. I pray for him everyday and even when we are divorced I will keep praying for him. I know we will not ever be married again but thats fine as long as his life is right with God. I love him that much to walk away but pray for his soul. I am not judging him I just want him to be the person God meant for him to be.

So our stuff finally came and I am pretty much settled. Those were the lowest days for me. When I opened a box and found a jacket of his and some other things I just fell to the floor crying. It was like he had died or something. Then came the box with our wedding pictures and a picture frame that he gave me two year ago for our anniversary. Under our picture kissing it talks about "our love story". You can imagine the emotions that poured out of my heart. Everyday is a struggle still for me. I know one day it will get better but lately its been worse. I keep having this feeling about the divorce that I can't shake but I know I have to go through with it because thats what he wants. It sucks but I have to do it. Right now I am waiting on the lawyer. Everyday that passes by and the lawyer hasn't called I think maybe God is giving him time to rethink it but then I have to come to reality and stop holding out false hope for something that will never be.

One day this blog will be about a happy Helen and my new life but right now I am still dealing with it all. It feels like everything just happened yesterday even though its been 6 months.

Wondering...

How can one person bring out so many emotions? One minute I can feel hatred, sorrow and then love, all in just a matter of seconds. Why? Why can't there just be a way to say, okay you don't love me, thats fine I am done and walk away. I guess that would make for a perfect world and this world is far from perfect. I try to show grace and love even though its not something I get back in return, but in my heart I know its the right thing.

I know I can over react sometimes, I mean I am a RED HEAD, but when it comes to my kids there is no holding back. I will fight kicking and screaming until the day I die when it comes to my kids and protecting what little innocence they have left. It is truly sad that Pinterest of all places has nudity and is just out there for every kids to see without having to go to a porn site. Am I being to harsh by saying to him either you delete your account or I delete the kids account? I don't want to always be the bad guy in all of this, it sucks actually that I have to be the one to put my foot down and protect my kids eyes from their fathers actions really.

He can be a great guy, I've seen it, I promise! It's choices he has made that the rest of us have to live with, and hopefully learn from. When you think about it, that is really messed up. One day I will understand why this is all happening and as I sit here so many Bible verses are coming to mind and when that happens I can smile and know God is with us not matter how bad the storm is right now. Philippians 4:13 pops in my head often these days and then verse about God having a plan for you. I have to hold those verses that pop into my head close to my heart. I keep wondering if he puts those verses in my heart to shield it....makes you want to go hmmmm :)

I am just not a very patient person. If you know me I am a planner and like to know whats going to happen before it happens. So you can only imagine how I am dealing with all this. I also know if I keep stressing and handling it my own way then God is going to think I don't have faith in him. I am working on it, trust me! I don't want God to give up on me so why would I give up on him? Maybe thats why I can't bring myself to give up on JR. That was just another AH HAAA moment right there, sorry! But wow its amazing what all goes through my head and this blog is just a small portion!

Savor

Yesterday that was the word of the day....Savor, what do it really mean to savor? Sara has taught us to Savor every moment of everyday because it could be your last. It is so hard to do that sometime. For me its hard to do hardly at all right now, because to be honest I don't want to savor anything that I am going through. There are moments that I do savor with the kids of course. I hate that their dad can't do the same. It makes me sick to even think about it. Being at Sara funeral yesterday made me see what true love is. Her husband and kids didn't seem sad at all in a way, they had smiles on their faces and I could see that he was just so glad it was finally over and Sara's pain was gone. You could see in the pictures he loved her very much and I pray one day I can have that kind of love in my life. I pray Ali will have that kind of example of a father and how a husband should truly love his wife. Yesterday, I wasn't sad for Sara she is in the best place a person could ever imagine. I was sad for us here on earth. Sara touched so many people and her example will live on. I pray I can learn to Savor everyday truly and move pass this hell I am living in. I pray JR will hit rock bottom and walk away from the life he is living and comes back to Christ and lives the way he knows is right. One day I hope I can share with him how to Savor every day and live for Christ. I just hope it won't be too late.

Its time NOW!

Today I called the lawyer and I am filling for Divorce this week. I just couldn't stand waiting until December. How awful for the kids to have that memory of their parents ending their marriage around Christmas. After seeing pictures of him AGAIN at the bar, I knew it was time to end this hell I am living in and just be done. I know we have been so wishy washy on when we are doing this and today I was just completely over what he does every weekend and me being married to that. Out of respect for myself I have to get out of the marriage before it breaks me any further. I wanted nothing more than to work this out and move forward and forget the past but there has to be two people that wants that, he clearly doesn't. I just keep praying the Lord sends me a good man one day and that I am going through this storm I call life for a reason. When I told the kids I was going through with it this week they both seemed happy that it wont be done at Christmas. In my sons words from the other day when we were having a heart to heart he said it sucks but he can't change it and won't lose sleep over it. I sure wish I had his way of thinking! At some point I know things will get better. My relationship with the kids is very strong and we talk so much now. I am just sad their dad will never get this time back. That's his fault not mine and this divorce is his fault so he will have to deal with that guilt one day, if ever. I have told their dad over and over that he is missing so much in their lives and him not skyping with them will one day be a regret. When they see pictures of him and they are all at a bar that sends a message to them that I don't want but again that's on him. I can only shield my kids so much. I just have to set the example and raise them the best way I know how and move on with life. I pray that this will not effect my kids in a negative way but that they learn from this and take all they have learned into their own relationship and know that marriage is for better or worse. I truly believe that if you put God first in your marriage it will stay strong, moving to Europe and being away from church was a major down fall. I hope they learn from that too. It sucks but life goes on eventually.

A few thoughts

So Sunday when the preacher was doing his "thang", he was telling a story about when his kids were younger they would run up to him when he got home from working yelling DADDY! and giving him a hug. While he was talking it dawned on me that my children not once did that to their dad. How sad is that? Whats even sadder is that I was talking to my son about the sermon and he said he had the same thoughts on Sunday. I asked him why he thinks they didn't get excited about their dad coming come and he said because he was so big.I know it was his selfishness that got in the way of being a "Daddy" to the kids but we will just let him, being big be the reason in my sons eyes. Why do we let things scare us just because they are big? Do we let God scare us and do we not get excited about him because he is so big? I guess it something for us to think about it. Parents don't understand that maybe they need to show excitement when they see their kids so that they get excited too. It sucks that my husband missed out on so many things in the kids life because of selfishness. Even now he is missing out on so much because of the same reason. Growing up I was always excited about my dad coming home. I knew that once he got home he wanted to rest but he would always put his girls first and I thank him for showing us that. I pray my kids can learn from what we are going through and use it in a positive way and not let a divorce give them excuse to make poor choices in life.

I am getting use to being a single parent but I would never choose this for anyone. Its hard being the one that does it all, been I think, I have been doing it for 16 years why is it so hard now, other than I can't vent to him and he have  a "talk" with the kids. I have good kids and I am very thankful for that everyday, but sometimes I just need a father figure to step up and give them a little push in the right direction. I pray the Lord sends me someone that will step up and be that father the kids need and the Spiritual Leader of the family. Now, the kids father will always be their father, don't get me wrong but when he lives 4,000 miles away and only calls once a week its hard on the kids, and me! So it would be nice to have a good guy step in when needed. I do hope that when that day comes he will work with us and not take the place of the kids dad but be a supplement :)

Please keep praying for my little family as we go through this time on our lives. Pray for strength for me to be able to handle it all without losing my mind, and learn to forgive JR, since I recently learned through counseling that I really haven't forgiven him.

 I may be starting a job soon working 5 days a week and I hope I can manage that and the house, kids etc. I know I can do with prayers! Thank you all for that!! I think that about sums up all that is going on right now in my head and life!

sigh...

Thats all I can do today is sigh. I am so angry and I am sick of being angry. I am sick of being sad and I am sick of always thinking about him. Today he forgot to call his kids. I have been angry about that all day. He.forgot.! Really?? How can you forget about your children? I know I shouldn't let it bother me so bad but, I am the one that has to deal with the kids emotions and deal with the sadness. He has no idea what he is missing out on. But like a friend said today to me, its his problem and he is just digging himself deeper and away from the kids. I just hate watching it happen.

So I talked to a another Lawyer Friday and he says its better to wait until Christmas when "he" comes home for Christmas, to sign papers and do the divorce...my kids said Merry Christmas to us :( that just broke my heart. So I am torn if we just go through with it and pay to extra it will take to do the divorce while he is overseas and just let him go through the pain in the butt, why should I care? He didn't care when he was destroying  our marriage so why should I care if he has to drive extra and get this over with now rather than later. While he is overseas doing what he wants to do because frankly he has already cheated most of our marriage whats stopping him now, I get to be the "good" wife and stay faithful to an unfaithful person until the divorce is final. How screwed up is that! I have to put my life on hold until December then he comes here and the emotions get all screwed up again URGH! I am over it!! Why can't God just tell me whats best and make this less hurtful for me. It seems I am the only one hurting, while he shows no emotion towards any of us.

Sorry this blog is so blah, I am just so angry and in such a bad place right now emotionally, I had to get all this out before I exploded. Of course I tried to text him about it but he was too busy doing something else.

Sadness

Sadness has overcome me tonight. It started this late afternoon when I got into my car that just arrived from overseas. The smell of my car sent sadness shooting through my body. Yes, I was excited to get my car but it was the memories that just washed over me and flooded my body with tears. That car was such a happy thing so I thought at the time when he bought it for me. Little did I know two  months after I got it he would end our marriage. The smell was a reminder of living in Europe and getting to travel as a family to places we would never be able to go without the Military sending us over there. The car reminded me of days picking up my friends to go porch sit while eating at our favorite soup place or sandwich shop then going to antique stores or thrift store shopping. Today when all those emotions flooded me it also reminded me that our family of 4 is longer that but 3. Then it also reminded me that we are not a military family anymore, and that makes me so deeply sad. Today is just a sad day for me in general. We are not friends on FB anymore and in the long run I know it will be good that I don't see what he post and I don't see all his new so called "friends" that he adds daily. I just feel its one less thing to make me sad about. I have already unfollowed him on Pinterest. The amount of crap he was "liking" made my stomach turn and feel sorry for our children that they have to know what kind of person their dad really is. Not only do they know but he puts it out there for all to see, how sad for them. I can only guard them so much....I just keep praying one day he will get a clue and wise up to the fact that is he hurting his children doing all that and setting the example of a father that doesn't care about woman. The hurt he has already caused is enough damage for a life time. Time will heal and I just have to keep the faith that one day the Lord will send me somebody that will love me and my kids more than himself. Just today, I am sad and its part of the process of healing and moving on. I am trying not to have ill will towards him but he doesn't make it easy most days.