I will take those moments

For last couple days I have been able to talk to him without fighting. It has felt so good just to have my friend back and not my enemy. I got to thinking and of course I didn't bring this up to him but he has been away from a certain guy friend of his for a solid week. Ever since then his attitude is so different. He has opened up to me more and been the guy I use to know. I am not sure why the change but I will take it, even if its last a short time. The sad part is when we are getting along so well I keep asking myself why are we going through this hell? Why can't he be this guy and not the other person that is so harsh and mean towards me. Maybe one day he will notice the change within himself and get that the people he hangs out with is not the best. I pray for him everyday and even when we are divorced I will keep praying for him. I know we will not ever be married again but thats fine as long as his life is right with God. I love him that much to walk away but pray for his soul. I am not judging him I just want him to be the person God meant for him to be.

So our stuff finally came and I am pretty much settled. Those were the lowest days for me. When I opened a box and found a jacket of his and some other things I just fell to the floor crying. It was like he had died or something. Then came the box with our wedding pictures and a picture frame that he gave me two year ago for our anniversary. Under our picture kissing it talks about "our love story". You can imagine the emotions that poured out of my heart. Everyday is a struggle still for me. I know one day it will get better but lately its been worse. I keep having this feeling about the divorce that I can't shake but I know I have to go through with it because thats what he wants. It sucks but I have to do it. Right now I am waiting on the lawyer. Everyday that passes by and the lawyer hasn't called I think maybe God is giving him time to rethink it but then I have to come to reality and stop holding out false hope for something that will never be.

One day this blog will be about a happy Helen and my new life but right now I am still dealing with it all. It feels like everything just happened yesterday even though its been 6 months.

Wondering...

How can one person bring out so many emotions? One minute I can feel hatred, sorrow and then love, all in just a matter of seconds. Why? Why can't there just be a way to say, okay you don't love me, thats fine I am done and walk away. I guess that would make for a perfect world and this world is far from perfect. I try to show grace and love even though its not something I get back in return, but in my heart I know its the right thing.

I know I can over react sometimes, I mean I am a RED HEAD, but when it comes to my kids there is no holding back. I will fight kicking and screaming until the day I die when it comes to my kids and protecting what little innocence they have left. It is truly sad that Pinterest of all places has nudity and is just out there for every kids to see without having to go to a porn site. Am I being to harsh by saying to him either you delete your account or I delete the kids account? I don't want to always be the bad guy in all of this, it sucks actually that I have to be the one to put my foot down and protect my kids eyes from their fathers actions really.

He can be a great guy, I've seen it, I promise! It's choices he has made that the rest of us have to live with, and hopefully learn from. When you think about it, that is really messed up. One day I will understand why this is all happening and as I sit here so many Bible verses are coming to mind and when that happens I can smile and know God is with us not matter how bad the storm is right now. Philippians 4:13 pops in my head often these days and then verse about God having a plan for you. I have to hold those verses that pop into my head close to my heart. I keep wondering if he puts those verses in my heart to shield it....makes you want to go hmmmm :)

I am just not a very patient person. If you know me I am a planner and like to know whats going to happen before it happens. So you can only imagine how I am dealing with all this. I also know if I keep stressing and handling it my own way then God is going to think I don't have faith in him. I am working on it, trust me! I don't want God to give up on me so why would I give up on him? Maybe thats why I can't bring myself to give up on JR. That was just another AH HAAA moment right there, sorry! But wow its amazing what all goes through my head and this blog is just a small portion!

Savor

Yesterday that was the word of the day....Savor, what do it really mean to savor? Sara has taught us to Savor every moment of everyday because it could be your last. It is so hard to do that sometime. For me its hard to do hardly at all right now, because to be honest I don't want to savor anything that I am going through. There are moments that I do savor with the kids of course. I hate that their dad can't do the same. It makes me sick to even think about it. Being at Sara funeral yesterday made me see what true love is. Her husband and kids didn't seem sad at all in a way, they had smiles on their faces and I could see that he was just so glad it was finally over and Sara's pain was gone. You could see in the pictures he loved her very much and I pray one day I can have that kind of love in my life. I pray Ali will have that kind of example of a father and how a husband should truly love his wife. Yesterday, I wasn't sad for Sara she is in the best place a person could ever imagine. I was sad for us here on earth. Sara touched so many people and her example will live on. I pray I can learn to Savor everyday truly and move pass this hell I am living in. I pray JR will hit rock bottom and walk away from the life he is living and comes back to Christ and lives the way he knows is right. One day I hope I can share with him how to Savor every day and live for Christ. I just hope it won't be too late.