Its time NOW!

Today I called the lawyer and I am filling for Divorce this week. I just couldn't stand waiting until December. How awful for the kids to have that memory of their parents ending their marriage around Christmas. After seeing pictures of him AGAIN at the bar, I knew it was time to end this hell I am living in and just be done. I know we have been so wishy washy on when we are doing this and today I was just completely over what he does every weekend and me being married to that. Out of respect for myself I have to get out of the marriage before it breaks me any further. I wanted nothing more than to work this out and move forward and forget the past but there has to be two people that wants that, he clearly doesn't. I just keep praying the Lord sends me a good man one day and that I am going through this storm I call life for a reason. When I told the kids I was going through with it this week they both seemed happy that it wont be done at Christmas. In my sons words from the other day when we were having a heart to heart he said it sucks but he can't change it and won't lose sleep over it. I sure wish I had his way of thinking! At some point I know things will get better. My relationship with the kids is very strong and we talk so much now. I am just sad their dad will never get this time back. That's his fault not mine and this divorce is his fault so he will have to deal with that guilt one day, if ever. I have told their dad over and over that he is missing so much in their lives and him not skyping with them will one day be a regret. When they see pictures of him and they are all at a bar that sends a message to them that I don't want but again that's on him. I can only shield my kids so much. I just have to set the example and raise them the best way I know how and move on with life. I pray that this will not effect my kids in a negative way but that they learn from this and take all they have learned into their own relationship and know that marriage is for better or worse. I truly believe that if you put God first in your marriage it will stay strong, moving to Europe and being away from church was a major down fall. I hope they learn from that too. It sucks but life goes on eventually.

A few thoughts

So Sunday when the preacher was doing his "thang", he was telling a story about when his kids were younger they would run up to him when he got home from working yelling DADDY! and giving him a hug. While he was talking it dawned on me that my children not once did that to their dad. How sad is that? Whats even sadder is that I was talking to my son about the sermon and he said he had the same thoughts on Sunday. I asked him why he thinks they didn't get excited about their dad coming come and he said because he was so big.I know it was his selfishness that got in the way of being a "Daddy" to the kids but we will just let him, being big be the reason in my sons eyes. Why do we let things scare us just because they are big? Do we let God scare us and do we not get excited about him because he is so big? I guess it something for us to think about it. Parents don't understand that maybe they need to show excitement when they see their kids so that they get excited too. It sucks that my husband missed out on so many things in the kids life because of selfishness. Even now he is missing out on so much because of the same reason. Growing up I was always excited about my dad coming home. I knew that once he got home he wanted to rest but he would always put his girls first and I thank him for showing us that. I pray my kids can learn from what we are going through and use it in a positive way and not let a divorce give them excuse to make poor choices in life.

I am getting use to being a single parent but I would never choose this for anyone. Its hard being the one that does it all, been I think, I have been doing it for 16 years why is it so hard now, other than I can't vent to him and he have  a "talk" with the kids. I have good kids and I am very thankful for that everyday, but sometimes I just need a father figure to step up and give them a little push in the right direction. I pray the Lord sends me someone that will step up and be that father the kids need and the Spiritual Leader of the family. Now, the kids father will always be their father, don't get me wrong but when he lives 4,000 miles away and only calls once a week its hard on the kids, and me! So it would be nice to have a good guy step in when needed. I do hope that when that day comes he will work with us and not take the place of the kids dad but be a supplement :)

Please keep praying for my little family as we go through this time on our lives. Pray for strength for me to be able to handle it all without losing my mind, and learn to forgive JR, since I recently learned through counseling that I really haven't forgiven him.

 I may be starting a job soon working 5 days a week and I hope I can manage that and the house, kids etc. I know I can do with prayers! Thank you all for that!! I think that about sums up all that is going on right now in my head and life!

sigh...

Thats all I can do today is sigh. I am so angry and I am sick of being angry. I am sick of being sad and I am sick of always thinking about him. Today he forgot to call his kids. I have been angry about that all day. He.forgot.! Really?? How can you forget about your children? I know I shouldn't let it bother me so bad but, I am the one that has to deal with the kids emotions and deal with the sadness. He has no idea what he is missing out on. But like a friend said today to me, its his problem and he is just digging himself deeper and away from the kids. I just hate watching it happen.

So I talked to a another Lawyer Friday and he says its better to wait until Christmas when "he" comes home for Christmas, to sign papers and do the divorce...my kids said Merry Christmas to us :( that just broke my heart. So I am torn if we just go through with it and pay to extra it will take to do the divorce while he is overseas and just let him go through the pain in the butt, why should I care? He didn't care when he was destroying  our marriage so why should I care if he has to drive extra and get this over with now rather than later. While he is overseas doing what he wants to do because frankly he has already cheated most of our marriage whats stopping him now, I get to be the "good" wife and stay faithful to an unfaithful person until the divorce is final. How screwed up is that! I have to put my life on hold until December then he comes here and the emotions get all screwed up again URGH! I am over it!! Why can't God just tell me whats best and make this less hurtful for me. It seems I am the only one hurting, while he shows no emotion towards any of us.

Sorry this blog is so blah, I am just so angry and in such a bad place right now emotionally, I had to get all this out before I exploded. Of course I tried to text him about it but he was too busy doing something else.

Sadness

Sadness has overcome me tonight. It started this late afternoon when I got into my car that just arrived from overseas. The smell of my car sent sadness shooting through my body. Yes, I was excited to get my car but it was the memories that just washed over me and flooded my body with tears. That car was such a happy thing so I thought at the time when he bought it for me. Little did I know two  months after I got it he would end our marriage. The smell was a reminder of living in Europe and getting to travel as a family to places we would never be able to go without the Military sending us over there. The car reminded me of days picking up my friends to go porch sit while eating at our favorite soup place or sandwich shop then going to antique stores or thrift store shopping. Today when all those emotions flooded me it also reminded me that our family of 4 is longer that but 3. Then it also reminded me that we are not a military family anymore, and that makes me so deeply sad. Today is just a sad day for me in general. We are not friends on FB anymore and in the long run I know it will be good that I don't see what he post and I don't see all his new so called "friends" that he adds daily. I just feel its one less thing to make me sad about. I have already unfollowed him on Pinterest. The amount of crap he was "liking" made my stomach turn and feel sorry for our children that they have to know what kind of person their dad really is. Not only do they know but he puts it out there for all to see, how sad for them. I can only guard them so much....I just keep praying one day he will get a clue and wise up to the fact that is he hurting his children doing all that and setting the example of a father that doesn't care about woman. The hurt he has already caused is enough damage for a life time. Time will heal and I just have to keep the faith that one day the Lord will send me somebody that will love me and my kids more than himself. Just today, I am sad and its part of the process of healing and moving on. I am trying not to have ill will towards him but he doesn't make it easy most days.

Deep down inside I know...

I know I need to file for divorce. It pains me so bad and I just don't want to deal with all that goes into doing it. This is not healthy for me one bit. There is no trust at.all! It makes me sick to know that the man I trusted with my life, I can now can not trust to do anything. It is just so sad. I needed some VERY important paper sent ASAP, has he sent it yet? NO! Its small things like that, that makes it very clear that me and the kids are not his priority. A father should have his priorities in order. He is a good guy, but when it comes to certain things he is not. I am starting to see that clearly everyday. You would think he would be careful with his social networking and know his children are watching from a far but that doesn't seem to matter to him at all. I can have my kids unfollow him on certain things but he is never hidden. To "like" things on Pinterest when the girl is half naked makes me so sad and it shows me he is still that guy I never thought he would be. Social networks will be the death of so many marriages and families. Kudos to the ones that are not on all these networks. Our lives would be so much purer if we didn't allow social media etc to get in the way of leading Godly lives. If that is not your #1 priority then heaven help us all. I don't want to be exposed to basically porn and I sure don't want my kids exposed to it. Porn is such a horrible thing to get involved in. Porn isn't just going to a porn site, its everywhere. Its in your spam email, on Pinterest and sadly on Facebook. Its bad enough you can't watch TV without being exposed to it as well. Our kids are taught from an early age that its okay to wear low cut shirts and extremely short shorts. Girls are taught that if you  are not skinny and sexy then you are nothing and that is horrible. Boy are taught to treat girls with no respect because we don't deserve it. What happen to a girl being treated with the upmost respect? Opening doors and caring for them in a respectful manor. Guys need to be treated with respect as well, I know that. I always tried to respect my husband, submitting to him and taking care of him. See where that got me? But what are we teaching our son? That its okay to cheat on your spouse and look at other ladies with a lustful eye? And what is that teaching my daughter? That she just has to deal with her spouse doing all these horrible things to her and she just stay married in hopes that her husband will see the light and change one day?? NO, I can not stand for this. I have to divorce their dad so I can teach my children whats right. Yes, he will always be their father but at some point they have to know that its not normal to be in a marriage filled with sadness and hurt. They need to see that I am taking a stand for what is right. A marriage should be built on honesty, trust and most of all LOVE. I want my kids to see the way a woman should be treated and how a man should be treated. I hope I have taught them that in the years I was  married to their father, but at some point enough is enough. I know what I have to do, its clear now. Now its just taking those steps and ending it in a way that I can keep my head held high and know I am doing the right thing. One day I hope my husband will see what he is missing out on in life. I pray he knows that he is missing out on seeing his children grow up in a Christian home and that it is very important in their lives. I pray he sees the way his need for cheating etc. isn't normal and right. I can't hold out hope that we will be together again one day in a healthy relationship. The trust is gone completely. I have a long road ahead of me and I have to stay focused on what matters most and its not me being in a relationship that matters, its my children!

All over the place

Thats what I feel my emotions are like all the time,I am just all over the place. One minute I am ready to do this, to divorce him and move on, then the next minute I want to keep fighting for my marriage. I feel like I should just get shock treatment or something! I feel that crazy. I know its normal to have all these emotions but my word, why can't just one emotion stick and I be done with all the others? Before going to the Lawyer today I was at 90% sure this is what was best for me and the kids. After the Lawyers office I am at 60%, you would think that I would be closer to 100% after talking about what I am in titled to etc. I am not out to get him for all his money and pay for his sins. I am just not wired like that. To be honest I just want my life back, but not back the way it was I want it better. I want to work and share the chores at home and the cooking. I want to be married but I also want my husband be the the Spiritual leader of our family and want to be in the family 100%. I know that I can have that but he has to want it as well. That was a key sentence....he has to want it as well. I feel so crazy. One minute I want to be done the next I don't want to be done, geez what is wrong with me?!? I talk to him for hours, we email, message on FB and we get a long great, why are we going through this is what I keep asking myself.

I know most of you  (if any one reads this) is thinking wow this chick is nuts! Yes, yes I am. How can a person still love somebody that doesn't love her and can't be faithful to her? I ask that all the time, trust me! I have such a strong pull towards him. When I pray for him and about him I feel even stronger towards him. Its weird I know. Tomorrow I may feel completely different...its how I roll!

So please keep praying for me and my family. Pray he can find his way back to the Lord and lives a healthy spiritual life filed with happiness brought by loving his family and doing whats right.

I am so emotionally drain today, I am writing to get all these emotions out so I can function the rest of the day...again..its how I roll :)

Time to say goodbye...

and Hello to my future. My heart has been broken long enough and I have ahead enough tears. Its time to move forward and not stay in an unhealthily life that I was living. Yesterday was my awaking on a lot of things. I asked him if he wanted to me keep fighting and holding out hope, he said I would be shadow boxing if I did. That answer and other hurtful things he said was my sign to wave the white flag and be done. I have been praying all along for a sign that he is really done and it was shown yesterday, I just has to accept it. The sad part in all this was when I told the kids, it was like they didn't even care or were just relived that I was finally calling it quits. I think they saw how hard I was working to keep this marriage alive, when in reality its been dead for so many years. He is just an amazing actor and I give him kudos...not really, but you know :) I am done being played a fool. I don't think God would want me to stay in a marriage filled with adultery and selfishness. I did nothing but show him love a grace but now I am done! I am done for good. I owe it to myself to get healthy and prove to myself I can stand on my own two feet and I don't need a man to prove anything. Now I do hope that the good Lord will bless me and the kids with a Godly man one day that can be a Spiritual leader of our home but right now that is not my priority in life. My priority is my children and raising them to be the best they can be and be the children God meant them to be. Getting a divorce is something that I have always felt was the most humiliating and selfish thing to do, to the family and to yourself but sometimes its the only thing you can do when the other person is not willing to love and give himself to you only. When you marry you become one, til death do you part but in this case it has to be until Helen has had enough of living with a man that doesn't love her and thinks he needs to party and live his life the way he wants to and not the way he was raised to. I can not have my children watching that. I do pray every night for him as I am sure many other people do as well, but someone had to want the life he was meant to have and he is not to that point, I guess. I still love him but that love is fading fast and being replaced with sadness and hurt that I will have to heal from to be able to move forward. I have come to realize he was just feeding me with bull, just to appease me until I left Belgium. I again was a fool, but NO MORE! I have to love him enough to walk away for good. As I am walking away I will always have the memories of the times that were good, and I have two wonderful children. Those kids keep my heart beating. I am not sure if he reads this or not. This blog isn't for him, its for me to release the pain and heart ache and maybe one day help someone else going through what I am going through. Divorce, I think is worse than death, but if all the other people in the world can heal and move on so can I!