I will take those moments

For last couple days I have been able to talk to him without fighting. It has felt so good just to have my friend back and not my enemy. I got to thinking and of course I didn't bring this up to him but he has been away from a certain guy friend of his for a solid week. Ever since then his attitude is so different. He has opened up to me more and been the guy I use to know. I am not sure why the change but I will take it, even if its last a short time. The sad part is when we are getting along so well I keep asking myself why are we going through this hell? Why can't he be this guy and not the other person that is so harsh and mean towards me. Maybe one day he will notice the change within himself and get that the people he hangs out with is not the best. I pray for him everyday and even when we are divorced I will keep praying for him. I know we will not ever be married again but thats fine as long as his life is right with God. I love him that much to walk away but pray for his soul. I am not judging him I just want him to be the person God meant for him to be.

So our stuff finally came and I am pretty much settled. Those were the lowest days for me. When I opened a box and found a jacket of his and some other things I just fell to the floor crying. It was like he had died or something. Then came the box with our wedding pictures and a picture frame that he gave me two year ago for our anniversary. Under our picture kissing it talks about "our love story". You can imagine the emotions that poured out of my heart. Everyday is a struggle still for me. I know one day it will get better but lately its been worse. I keep having this feeling about the divorce that I can't shake but I know I have to go through with it because thats what he wants. It sucks but I have to do it. Right now I am waiting on the lawyer. Everyday that passes by and the lawyer hasn't called I think maybe God is giving him time to rethink it but then I have to come to reality and stop holding out false hope for something that will never be.

One day this blog will be about a happy Helen and my new life but right now I am still dealing with it all. It feels like everything just happened yesterday even though its been 6 months.