and I don't have the energy to do a dang thang! I am not sure if I am just emotional drained or physically drained. I think its more emotionally drained than anything. There is so many mixed emotions going through this house I don't see how anyone can function in this house right now. I am guessing thats why my kids sleep so much because it is just easier to sleep than deal with an emotionally drained mom. I am trying so hard to be positive about everything. I keep making myself goals because in the grand scheme of things I am the only one that can control my life, my life is the only thing I can control...just myself...my body. Man, thats a lot to take in. I cant control whats going in my life because if thats the case I wouldn't be going through this hell.
Now the packers will be here Monday. At first I was dividing 16 years of marriage, all the things we accumulated over the years. Now things have changed a little....as in we are not sure if divorce is in our future or not. Before it was 100% sure (on his part, it has never been that way for me) now its 50/50....like I said up there, very mixed emotions going through this place. As of right now, as of today at 4pm, we are just separating to figure things out. We are going to take this time to work on ourselves and then see if our marriage is able to be saved or if he even wants to save it. So my life will be in limbo for the next 2 years or so I guess. If you know me then you know I am the type that plans everything and needs a plan at all times. I like to be organized and informed. I better get use to the un-known real quick because as of right now that will be my life for a while. This is maybe a really good thing for me though (see positive thinking) I will learn patience, and learn to have faith. Not only to have faith in God but in my husband. For 16 years I have done everything for him, sun up to sun down it was all about him. I have to have faith that he can survive some without me. Lets not get too crazy, I don't want him to learn to live 100% without me because I still want to be married in the end. I digress again and again..sorry! Goals, yes goals, my first goal is to get healthy. I will lose 60 pounds and learn to LOVE to run. I have to do this for myself. I feel if I can lose the weight and get healthy I can then feel sexy and be confident in everything I do. My next goal is to get a 2 year degree. I know shocking, me and college that is something I never thought would be in a sentence together. I always said I wanted to be a stay at home mom taking care of my family and let my husband be the bread winner, he goes to work I take care of EVERYTHING else. Well, see where that go me? So now at 34 I am going to make something of my life other than being a mom. Don't get me wrong being a mom is the best thing ever but when you are basically walking on a tight rope and the only thing holding you up is the possibility of maybe staying married you have to do something to make sure you don't fall flat on your face. If anything I will always have college and will be able to use that experience even if it's volunteering somewhere. I want to be prepared for anything. I have a ton more goals but those are the key ones. Ultimately I want to be happily married and loving life with my husband but first he has to love himself and want to be a loving husband and father. I don't ever want to regret anything in life. I will try to live life to the fullest and be the right example for my kids. I will keep my head up high and have faith that whatever happens,happens for a reason. Reasons I may not ever know but I just have to know God will not put something in my path that I absolutely cannot handle.
I know I just ramble on here but this is my therapy until I can get to the states and get into real therapy. I stay real on here so if you are ever wondering whats up with me or my family then here it is :)
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