For the last day or so I have felt at peace with my situation. I feel your prayers and thoughts working and it feels good. When your life is in limbo and you don't know whats going to happen it can keep a person on edge. I will admit I do take a Xanax every now and then just to keep the tears from flowing at a rapid pace but I haven't taken it since Wednesday. It must be prayer that has helped me get through each day without losing my mind or worse. My sister has kept me busy and that helps as well. There is hardly a dull moment around here with 4 kids 3 houses and the up keep of this property. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be living out in the country and even considering building a house out here. I am starting to make plans for my future and in a way it is deeply sad that my husband isn't in those plans. I have always put him first and he was always in my thoughts 95% of the day but each day it gets less and less. I am not sure if thats good or bad. I guess in time we will see. I want nothing more than to be happy and my kids to be happy. The only person that can make that happen is me I guess. Sometimes I wonder if my husband ever did make me happy or if I was too caught up in "love" or the thought of being in love and having babies etc. At 18 I just wanted a family and to be that cute couple with it all. I sure hope my daughter doesn't get caught up in the idea of all that. When I saw my husband I knew he was "the one" now I am not so sure or maybe I am sure but keep telling myself he is not to lessen the pain of all this. What I am 100% sure of is what I want in a husband/father of my children and he is not it right now. I want someone to fight for me and want to be the best person he can be for God and his family. I want a man that doesn't have to have a electronic device in front of him most of the time and would want to go for walks, play with the kids and just spend time with us. I need someone that I don't have to say "Hey the grass needs cutting" and he will just see that it needs done and take the annotative himself. I know, a girl can dream right?!?
Last night some guy messaged me on Facebook. Just saying hey babe and he wanted to get to know me better. The sad part out of all that is he is Military, well his picture was a military guy so I am just assuming he is military. Now I am very bitter toward military men. It seems when military men go TDY or deploy there main goal is to see how much "fun" they can have and not get caught. If you can call cheating on your spouse fun, that is. I know for a fact that girls do it too but it just makes me sick that people that are fighting for our country can't even fight to keep their marriage or relationship healthy and good. How sad it that? Now just to be clear I am not saying all Military people do what I am talking about. There are actually good people in the military, it just sucks for them because the other 99% give the 1% a bad name. What other job, other than being a bar tender can you drink beer at work? What kind of example are we setting for our future? Drinking is considered a bonding tool from what I can tell in the military. I am not saying drinking is bad, by any means please don't get me wrong, but when you are drinking at work a few beers here and there then driving home, what are we telling our nation, our kids or those teenagers that are thinking about signing up? That its okay to drive with intoxicated? OR oh a few beers won't hurt?
Men and Woman if you are lonely while TDY, deployed etc. why not talk to your family, friends or God. Maybe hit the gym or read a book. Keep yourself busy so you are not tempted to cheat on your spouse or tempting a struggling spouse. As you can see I am bitter towards the Military pretty bad right now. This is just a build up of things and I am sorry if I offended anyone but this is my personal belief right now and rant :) Please don't hate me.
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