what to do? That is the question I keep asking myself. I am back in Alabama and now I am ready to make changes. Change is something I love but this time, this change is something I don't like at all. My marriage is obliovously done. When two people in a marriage are not living together and one doesn't love the other it kinda puts a damper on things. You can't stay married to someone that A. can't be faithful and B. doesn't love you and C. there is NO trust. It is just not healthy for me to stay married. I don't like the idea of staying married for a business purpose only. Yes, I need health insurance, car insurance and money but is it worth it in the long run? Many people I know are getting divorced and they survive why can't I? Yes I gave him 16 years of my life being a stay at home mom and supporting his every need. Now its my time to do what I need to do to survive and raise 2 wonderful children. Also I need to be able to heal and move on from this.Divorce is an extremely hard thing to do. It sucks but I can't keep telling myself he is going to come out of this, whatever "this" is. I can't wait for that and have hope for my future with him. I love his family and I won't be divorcing them and don't get me wrong there is a part of me that still loves him too. Love is very hard right now. I love the man I meet 16 years ago, the man I thought was going to be a Spiritual Leader of my family. I needed a husband that could be faithful, love being with his family and someone that would put his family before himself. I thought thats who I was marrying...jokes on me I guess. My son is an awesome kid and I pray he can learn from what we are going through and carry that on to when he becomes a man and starts a family. I pray my daughter can see what kind of man she needs in her life and not have to go through the hell, sadness and pain that I am dealing with. Life right now is not a happy one. I know its up to me to make it happy and not need a man to make me happy and feel good about myself. Its easy to type but hard to do. I now I really need to just focus on the kids and myself. I need to not let my dream/nightmares at night dectate the way my day goes. Let me explain that statement. Every single time my husband cheated I would have moments in the day where my heart would feel like it stopped and I would think he is cheating on me or something would tell me to check his computer. Now this last time he cheated and he was gone TDY, I would have nightmares about me seeing him with another girl. I would brush it off after he assured me he wasn't doing anything. I felt bad even asking him and I felt guilty for not trusting him because we had just gone through that a 2 years ago and we did everything to have a good marriage, so I thought. We would pray together every night and talked a lot, well he talked, I listened. It was always about him but I figured if I served him in every way possible and ,are sure he was happy things would be great. Someone told me I was too perfect as a wife....I don't agree with that but maybe I spoiled him so much that he just thought he could "have his cake and eat it too". Well I am done. I am done with spoiling a man. Its my turn. Its my turn to enjoy life and not have to feel not good enough. When a man looks at porn or is always looking at other girls it makes you feel like crap about yourself. I know it did for me. I never felt pretty enough, skinny enough and just enough for him. In my head if he was looking at them then I wasn't even worth looking at. The worst part about all this is when I did lose the weight and finally feel sexy enough is when I would find he was cheating. That can really screw a girl up. So now I am going to lose weight and feel sexy for myself, not some selfish jerk that only cares about his self and needs. Please pray I can make the right decisions for my family and myself. At some point I have to get out of this depression and stop needing him. I do hope he hits rock bottom and can come out of whatever he is going through. I sure hope he doesn't taint anymore people and can find himself and be a good person when all is said and done. Right now all I can do is raise his/our kids the best I know how and learn to not hate him for what he has done. I care deeply for him and I use to consider him one of my best friends but then today I thought well heck a best friend would never do what he has done. Lie, cheat and basically steal my heart. A husband surely wouldn't do that either. He has made me a fool for so many years and its time to stop letting him treat me like that!
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