What am I doing? That is a question I ask myself almost hourly right now. How can I let one person in my life be the deciding factor on if I am happy or not? That one person who has cheated on me numerous times, made me feel about as low as you can get but I still let him determine my happiness. Is it love or is it something else? I can write about this stuff because he doesn't read my blog. For starters if I was on the other end of this marriage and I was the one forcing my family to leave so I could "work" on myself, I would want to know what the heck was going on in their heart during all this. I am sure it's the difference between a man and a woman. For so long and still now I keep blaming myself for everything that keeps happening in my marriage. I keep saying if I had only lost the weight and kept it off he wouldn't have wanted to cheat on me, or if I had only gone to college he wouldn't have ever said I am not "intellectually stimulating" enough for him. If only seems to be the title of my life right now. I am trying so hard not to blame myself but its very hard. I know he is to blame too for being so selfish and letting this happen to his family, but did I help him be this way? I struggle with that daily.
Now if only my new therapist who ever that may be, could just read my blogs to see how crazy I am it would save me from having to re-tell this hell all over again!
So this is what I am dealing with today: Yes, I know I am nuts :)
1. I about to move 4,000 from my so called husband that cant even claim me as his wife. (how shitty is that?!?)
2. I get to move away not knowing what will happen to my marriage or be there to help decide whats going to happen.
3. I get to sit and wait for him to work on himself for only God knows how long, while I try to work on myself but I still don't know where my future will be or what I am working towards or for.
So (A.) Do I get a job and start working only on my life and not try to have hope that my marriage will actually work in the long run OR (B.) Do I work on myself, get healthy mentally and physically, get odds and end type jobs and save money until I know whether or not he wants to stay married to me? You know I want answer B, of course because I am a hopeless romantic that ache for someone to love me just as much or more than I love him. I would do anything for a husband that would want to bring home flowers to surprise me, ask me out on dates, want to just cuddle while watching a movie....You know those type of love story things. I am not asking for it everyday but just something to know he appreciates me and loves me without having to say those three little words. Maybe one day my husband will read this and get a clue...
Can you see now why all I want to do is sleep? My mind goes to a happy place 65% of the time when I am asleep. Its better than being awake and only being able to think about this life I have right now. Lord please help me!
I am sorry these blogs get more depressing as time goes on. Time is getting closer from me moving away from a place I love and a man I love and have loved all my life even when I didn't know him. A man I prayed for even when I was a little girl. A man that when he walked into that church building one Saturday afternoon, I knew right then he would be my husband. and this is how all that happiness and excitement ended up....I pray one day I can write a different, happy blog about how it all turned around.
5 comments:
You go Helen! You are beautiful and smart! You deserve to be happy, and you will be! It may take time but you will find your way back to happiness. I just know there is something better out there waiting for you.
Thank you :) I sure hope so!
Go with what your heart tells you to do. Don't let someone determine your happiness/worth! You are a strong, beautiful woman. You got this! Focus on you and what you want and things will fall into place. Get that degree and make yourself proud :)
You are not responsible for your husband's poor decisions, selfish and hurtful behavior, and moral failings. Your intellect is not defined by your education. You are a mother and a child of God and you deserve a husband who is worthy of your love.
Helen, you can't blame yourself for your husbands indiscretions.There's something within him that's telling him it's "ok" to disregard his commitment to you to satisfy his own selfish needs. A husband should love you without you having to always appease him with your appearance (especially if he's being a hypocrite), and he should certainly see you as his equal when it comes to intelligence rather than thinking less of you because you didn't go to college. You're a wonderful person, an amazing mother & a selfless wife who takes care of her husband despite the wrong he's done. That's a true testimate to your character.
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