Time to say goodbye...

and Hello to my future. My heart has been broken long enough and I have ahead enough tears. Its time to move forward and not stay in an unhealthily life that I was living. Yesterday was my awaking on a lot of things. I asked him if he wanted to me keep fighting and holding out hope, he said I would be shadow boxing if I did. That answer and other hurtful things he said was my sign to wave the white flag and be done. I have been praying all along for a sign that he is really done and it was shown yesterday, I just has to accept it. The sad part in all this was when I told the kids, it was like they didn't even care or were just relived that I was finally calling it quits. I think they saw how hard I was working to keep this marriage alive, when in reality its been dead for so many years. He is just an amazing actor and I give him kudos...not really, but you know :) I am done being played a fool. I don't think God would want me to stay in a marriage filled with adultery and selfishness. I did nothing but show him love a grace but now I am done! I am done for good. I owe it to myself to get healthy and prove to myself I can stand on my own two feet and I don't need a man to prove anything. Now I do hope that the good Lord will bless me and the kids with a Godly man one day that can be a Spiritual leader of our home but right now that is not my priority in life. My priority is my children and raising them to be the best they can be and be the children God meant them to be. Getting a divorce is something that I have always felt was the most humiliating and selfish thing to do, to the family and to yourself but sometimes its the only thing you can do when the other person is not willing to love and give himself to you only. When you marry you become one, til death do you part but in this case it has to be until Helen has had enough of living with a man that doesn't love her and thinks he needs to party and live his life the way he wants to and not the way he was raised to. I can not have my children watching that. I do pray every night for him as I am sure many other people do as well, but someone had to want the life he was meant to have and he is not to that point, I guess. I still love him but that love is fading fast and being replaced with sadness and hurt that I will have to heal from to be able to move forward. I have come to realize he was just feeding me with bull, just to appease me until I left Belgium. I again was a fool, but NO MORE! I have to love him enough to walk away for good. As I am walking away I will always have the memories of the times that were good, and I have two wonderful children. Those kids keep my heart beating. I am not sure if he reads this or not. This blog isn't for him, its for me to release the pain and heart ache and maybe one day help someone else going through what I am going through. Divorce, I think is worse than death, but if all the other people in the world can heal and move on so can I!